Jokes

Today's Short Reading From
the Bible

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be
found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed

He must pay !

Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her Mum and said, "He fought
with me again, I am coming to live with you."

Mum said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.

This is a frightening
statistic !

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.

Water in the carburetor

WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.
Where's the car?

WIFE: "In the river"

A Wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and
buy a carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again.
Men will get it the first time.

A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decided to buy her
a mobile phone. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features.

Meg was excited to receive the gift and simply adored her new phone.

The next day Meg went shopping. Her phone rang and, to her astonishment,
it was her husband on the other end.

"Hi Meg," he said, "how do you like your new phone?"

Meg replied, "I just love it! It's so small and your voice is clear as a bell, but there's
one thing I don't understand though..."

"What's that, sweetie?" asked her husband.

"How did you know I was at Dillards

Re the above.
I'm not picking on women, I'm having a rough time with the wife and a mate sent me those to cheer me up.
Thought I'd share, I love the biblical one.

I wanted to join the nudist camp but there was a sign up outside saying "Sorry, clothed for winter".

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay, what's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted Cart.

"John, she said, "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Oh, come on, now " Elizabeth insisted.

She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed and thought to myself, "but my wife won't like it."

After a few restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I best go now."

"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

"Still under the cart, I guess" I said.

Why can't you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

DID you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He's OK now.

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A fish.

:D