Jokes

Husband and wife are out shopping in Coles, the husband sees a beer special goes up in picks up a slab of Great Northern and sticks it in the trolley.

"What do you think you are doing ?" asks the wife . " They are on offer, 30 cans for only $30 " He says.

" Put them back, we can't afford that ". Says the wife and they carry on shopping ..,

A few aisles later the woman picks up a $60 jar of face cream and sticks it in the trolley.

" What do you think you are doing ?"asks the husband . "It's my face cream, it makes me look beautiful ."She says.

"SO DOES 30 CANS OF GREAT NORTHERN AND THEY'RE ONLY HALF THE BLOODY PRICE"

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.
'There's a diagnostic computer down at Bunnings. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and
what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A
lot cheaper than a Doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Bunnings.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for
the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was,
Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure.



Joe hurries back to Bunnings, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.


The computer prints the following:

"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a solicitor.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!



Thank you for shopping @ Bunnings "

A North Queenslander is drinking in a Brisbane Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink.


The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around keen to know what they are celebrating. 'Well' he announces, 'My wife's just produced a typical North Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds'.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the guy from the North just shrugs, 'That's about average up there. Like I said, my boy is a typical North Queensland boy.'
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of 'STREWTH' were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the North Queenslander returns to the bar. The bartender says 'You're the father of that typical NQ baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you?
Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks; we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?' The proud father answers: '17 pounds'. The bartender is puzzled and concerned. 'What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!'






The father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says ... 'Had him circumcised!'

'Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!"

Wazza. What a legend!

An elderly man had owned a large farm up north for several years. He had a large lagoon, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables and some apple and peach trees. The lagoon was shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the lagoon, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a 5 gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the lagoon, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his lagoon. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the crocodiles."





Us old farts may move slow but we can still think fast. [bigrolf]

On the night of their honeymoon, a new bride sheepishly tells her husband: “I have a confession to make- this will not be my first time...”
"Oh yeah?" say the husband, trying to be empathetic. "Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods, the golfer." replies the bride
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that." The bride exclaims, provocatively
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.

When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks, clearly not yet satisfied.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it... One. More. Time."
The husband grudgingly puts the phone down and heads back to bed.

Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"

A snow job on the coppers. That's a waste of police time.:bat:

I was run over by a Sanicart this morning.
You might call it a set back, but I was underturd.

It's the first day of school and the teacher thought she'd get to know the kids by asking them their name and what their father does for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my Daddy is a Postman"

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic"

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my Father is a fag, who is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men"

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject but later in the school yard approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it was really true that his Dad
dances nude in a gay bar.



He blushed and said "I'm sorry Miss, but my Dad plays rugby league State of Origin for New South Wales, and I was just too embarrassed to say so"

[thumbsupbig][bigrolf][bighmmm]