Jokes

Dont you see the flash file/ video??
Is it only on my screen?

Sorry mate, I see no Flash, just text.

The couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "Remember, this is your reward in Heaven." The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic desserts, free-flowing beverages. "Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy." The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick."
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?' 'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your ****** bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'

thats gold sleepy :BigThumb:

BIRTHDAY REMINDER
This week we celebrate a special birthday!
Monica Lewinsky turned 34.
Can you believe it?
It seems like only yesterday she was crawling
around the White House on her hands and knees,
and putting everything in her mouth.
They grow up so fast, don't they?

pay that !

Pat had felt guilty all day long, no matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.
But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice trying to reassure
him: "Pat , don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.
And you're single. Let it go."
But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:







"Pat, You're a vet..."

That's priceless:Rolling::clap2:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started.'

Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'

The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
as semble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'

He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then ..' he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .


'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir,
sometimes the men have 'urges'. That's why we have Molly the camel'.

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane s.e.x. with
the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'.

'No, not really, sir.... They usually just ride the camel into town ................ where the girls are'. :D:D