Jokes

**gavinwibrow** · 12th December 2021, 05:38 PM

Humour

An Actual Sign at a Scottish Golf Club

1. Back Straight, knees bent, feet a shoulder width apart
2. Form a loose grip
3. Keep your head down
4. Avoid a quick back swing
5. Stay out of the water
6. Try not to hit anyone
7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you
8. Don’t stand directly in front of others
9. Quiet please… while others are preparing
10. Don’t take extra strokes

Well done… now flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.

A woman walks into a chemist shop and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
“What do you want to do with the arsenic?” the pharmacist asks.
“I want to kill my husband because he cheats on me by having sex with another woman,” the woman replies.
“I can't sell you arsenic to kill your husband, even if he is having sex with another woman,” the pharmacist says.
The woman reaches into her pocket and pulls out a photo of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist says, “Oh I'm terribly sorry, I didn't realise that you had a prescription.”

One day while going to the shop, I passed a retirement village. On the front lawn were six old ladies, lying naked on the lawn. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way. On my return trip, I passed the same retirement village with the same old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me. I went inside to talk to the village Administrator, and asked her, “Do you know there are six old ladies lying naked on your front lawn?” “Yes” she said, “Aren't they darlings, they’re retired prostitutes, and they’re having a garage sale.”

Climate Change.
The Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, “is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?’ The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold”.
So, the elder went back to his tribe and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’ The meteorologist again replied, 'Yep, it's going to be a very cold winter.’
The elder went back to his tribe and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. Hey, 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold? 'Absolutely,' the guy replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.’
'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.’