Jokes

I was driving this morning when I saw a parked RACV van.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

[bigsmile][bigsmile]

Quote:

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Originally Posted by rick130

THE SQUIRREL & THE GRASSHOPPER REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The Grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the Summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.
The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
THE END

THE AUSTRALIAN VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The ABC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The Australian press informs people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of Australia demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The ABC, interrupting a cultural festival special from St Kilda with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome".

Bill Shorten rants in an interview with Laurie Oakes that the squirrel has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter Melbourne city centre.

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders, for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work.

The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Australia as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Australians apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from peoples credit cards.

A 60 Minutes special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though Spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug "Illness".

The cats seek recompense in the Australian courts for their treatment since arrival in Australia.

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost $10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister.

The cats are paid a million dollars each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in Australia.

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.
THE END

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Man walk's into the pub and asks the barman why it's called the homosexual arms I don't know wait I'll ask the Wife (HEY HARRY)

[bigsmile] an old couple sitting on a park bench in the sun shine when an American tourists site's down beside them and says love you're country man the wife says (what'd he say what'd he say) the husband says (he likes it here) wife says ahw American says i was here during the war (wife says (what'd he say what'd he say) hubby says (he's been here before) wife says ahw American says i met agirl here worst sex i ever had wife says (what'd he say what'd he say) hubby says (HE THINKS HE KNOW'S YOU)

Almost that time of the year for some.

Attachment 183208

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Saitch

Almost that time of the year for some.

Attachment 183208

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Driving the school bus was enough for me.

Money
Money can buy a house, but not a home
Money can buy a bed, but not sleep
Money can buy a clock, but not time
Money can buy a book, but not knowlage
Money can buy a position, but not respect
Money can buy medicine, but not health
Money can buy blood, but not life
Money can buy sex, but not love

You see, money isn't everything and it often causes pain and suffering.

I am telling you this because I am your friend
As your friend, I want to take away your pain and suffering,
so send me all your money and I will suffer for you.

Cash only please.

Anyone wishing to accept this generous offer, send me a PM.


I once heard a saying,
Money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a big yacht that can be parked right beside it.

I was at the doctors yesterday for my annual check up.

As I was about to leave I mentioned the discomfort I'd recently being experiencing in my joints.

He said drinking water would help.

I said that the joints I frequent don't serve water.

I threw a Boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.


I do not need a parachute to go sky diving. I need one IF I want to do it a second time of course.

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?












A stick.