Jokes

A leper walks into the bar and orders a beer, as the barman hands the leper his beer he vomits uncontrollably
"Is it my apperence?" asks the leper
The barman replies "No, no mate, i'm so sorry, here, i'll grab you a fresh beer and its on the house"
He hands the leper the beer, and again vomits uncontrollably
"Look, if my apperence bothers you, i can leave" says the leper
"No mate, your fine here, i'll get you another beer"
As the barman returns, he vomits uncontrollably again, and this happens 5 more times untill the leper jumps up, ****ed off and yells "Well i can see i'm not welcome here, Jam your beer up your arse, i'm leaving!"
The barman, pleads with the leper "Mate its not you, i have no problem with lepers.......





.............it the bloke beside you, dipping his corn chips into the sore on your arm"

.............love the Irish.............


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'





Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'





Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'



Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

!A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
>
> was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, she saw an
>
> envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
>
> It was addressed, 'Mum' With the worst premonition, she opened the
>
> envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
>
>
> 'Dear, Mum.
>
> It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to
>
> elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene
>
> with Dad and you.
>
> I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
>
> knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's,
> tattoos,
>
> her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I
> am.
>
> But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant.
>
> Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the
>
> woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
>
> We share a dream of having many more children.
>
> Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really
>
> hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
>
> the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
> want.
>
> In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
>
> so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!!
>
> Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
>
> Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
>
> many grandchildren.
>
>
> Love, your son, Nicholas.
>
>
> "P.S. Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
>
> I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than
>
> the school report that's on my desk"
>
>
> I love you!
>
> Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Mrs Smith asked her 3rd grade class if they could tell her what sounds farm animals made.
Angela said, "A cow says mooooooooooooo miss."
"Very good Angela" the teacher replied
" Can anyone tell me what a chicken says" the teacher asked,
Brian said " A chicken says cluck cluck miss"
"Very good Brian" the teacher replied
"Can anyone tell me what a pig says" the teacher asked,
to which Johnny replied,
"HANDS UP AND AGAINST THE WALL MOTHER F$*&^%S!!!
:D

I was lying under the 2a the other day, trying to put the flange and handbrake drum back on, having just replaced the seal. I was having trouble lining it up, and the felt seal kept trying to dislodge, so I was beginning to feel sick of it.

Maybe I've got Spline Flu.

Dan.
69 2A 88" pet4, 68 2B FC pet6.

Here's one from my Dad!! Politically incorrect, but he is 75....

---------------------------------------

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-rape-drug on the market called ' Beer' .

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life'ssavings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship'.

In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex
is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this ' Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses'in the phone book.

For a video to see how Beer works click below:

click here -Beer Demo

> Making a baby. This is hilarious!
> There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.
>
> The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
>
> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>
> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
>
> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
>
> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'.
>
> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>
> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
>
> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
>
> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>
> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
>
> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>
> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said
>
> 'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat
>
> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
>
> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>
> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
>
> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>
> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
>
> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
>
> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
>
> 'Tripod?'
>
> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
> Mrs. Smith fainted!!
>
> ----------------
>