Thread: Jokes

I used to work at "Landrover. Above and Beyond" I worked in the "Beyond" section!

My sex life is like a Ferrari...!


I don't have a Ferrari....

Originally Posted by bacicat

My sex life is like a Ferrari...!


I don't have a Ferrari....

Better than expensive and capable of under 10 seconds

Originally Posted by bacicat

My sex life is like a Ferrari...!


I don't have a Ferrari....

Some of the Ferrari cars are made by hand

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex
after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after-life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Sue..........Sue"

"Is that you, George?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful!? What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex.
I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.

I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.

After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much-needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again."

"Oh, George, are you in Heaven?"

"No, I'm a rabbit in Wagga Wagga!"

Two Aussies, Ferret & Knackers, were adrift in a life boat. While rummaging
through the boat's provisions Ferret stumbled across an old lamp.
He rubbed it vigorously, sure enough out popped a genie . This genie,
however was a little different. He stated he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought, Ferret blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into
beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea
turned into that hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two
men considered their circumstances. Knackers looked disgustedly at Ferret
whose wish it was had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Knackers said, "Nice going Dickhead!
Now we're going to have to **** in the boat."

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION:
You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?

ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!


American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Originally Posted by mark_coffey

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

QUESTION:
You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and lunges at you.
You are carrying your police issued Glock and you are an expert shot, however you have only a split second to react before he reaches you.
What do you do?

ANSWER:
Australian Police Officer:

Firstly the officer must consider the man's Human Rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed?
2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?
3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?
4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
5) Am I dressed provocatively?
6) Could I run away?
7) Could I possibly swing my gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong doings?
9) Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
10) Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society?
11) Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?
13) If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head
and kills himself? .
14) If I shoot and wound him, and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to
sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?


Canadian Police Officer:
BANG!


American Police Officer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
'click'...Reload...
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

I think this is in the wrong thread mate. This is not a joke.

Happy days