Thread: Jokes

'Time is a construct of man, a means of adding value and structure to a chaotic universe, it serves no real purpose, it's endless and infinite, unfathomable and subjective'.

'You're still bloomin' late' replied my boss.

A very old one.......

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.
This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

An American tourist is visiting an Indian reserve on holiday.
The guide takes them past a wizened old Indian sitting, staring into the distance.
"This Chief Running Bull. Has best memory in world" The guide explains.
The tourist walks up to the Chief and jokingly asks "What did you have for breakfast on your 18th birthday?".
"Eggs", replies the Chief.
The tourist isn't convinced, he could easily be making it up.
The tour continues and the tourist forgets about Chief Running Bull.
Many years later, the tourist returns with his family.
He spies an old Indian sitting in the dirt, staring into space and walks up to him.
Giggling, the tourist holds up a hand says to him "How".
Chief Running Bull looks up at him and replies "Scrambled".

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot. So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R", we missed the "R".

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was celebrate."

Church Ladies With Typewriters

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins!
We are thankful for the
church ladies with typewriters.
These sentences actually appeared in
church bulletins or were announced at church services.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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Scoutsare saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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The sermon this morning: "The Lord Walks on the Water". The sermon tonight:-
"Searching for The Lord".
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious
pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow..
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person
you want remembered..
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.
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Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. (the g was missing)
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM.
Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM .. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church hall.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.
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And this one just about sums them all up:

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday:

'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

> In church last Sunday, I heard a sweet
> elderly lady in the pew next to me saying a prayer.
>
> It was so innocent and sincere that I just
> had to share it with you:
>
> "Dear Lord: The past year has been very
> tough for me. You have taken ...
> My favorite actor - James Garner;
> My favorite actress - Lauren Bacall;...
> My favorite comedian - Robin Williams;
> And finally, my favorite author -Tom Clancy.
>
> I just wanted you to know that my favorite
> politicians are -
> Tony Abbot, Julie Bishop, Joe Hockey, Scott Morrison, and George Brandis.
> Amen!"

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.
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She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
“I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Bunning’s.
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She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder
until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.
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Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.
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“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly.
“Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”
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“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.
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“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua?”
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I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my
concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.
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“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.
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“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”
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“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able
to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.
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“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says,"Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession to you.
Before we were married I was a hooker."



The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, "My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years.
I can't hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade to spice up our sex life a bit?"



His wife answered, "I don't think you quite understand my love ... I meant my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales."