Thread: Jokes

A burley bartender was so sure he was the strongest man around that he offered a standing $1,000 bet.

He would squeeze a lemon and anyone who could squeeze two more drops out of it would take home the money.

Many people tried the feat over a period of years, but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little fellow came into the bar and sat down.

After ordering a beer and reading the sign about the lemon challenge, he said meekly, “I’d like to try the bet, please”.

After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed the crap out of it, then handed over the wrinkled remains.

The laughter turned to silence as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon, and six drops fell out.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the man his $1,000 and asked, “what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”

The fellow quietly replied, “No, I work for the tax office”.

A beautiful garden is the perfect example of God and Man working together in harmony.
Mind you, you should have seen the state of my garden when God was doing it by himself.

Mine looks like the Garden of Weeden

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have an "S" in it?

The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I did not understand.”

“He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your hood and tries to check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

This is an oldie and may have been posted before, but anyway...
Two hikers are confronted by an angry bear charging at them.
One hiker rolls up his pants and goes to run off. The other hiker asks, "What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear - they're fast. "
The first hiker says, "I don't have to outrun the bear - just you!"

Originally Posted by DiscoMick

This is an oldie and may have been posted before, but anyway..

I don't remember it being posted before but my mind's gone blank....

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

I don't remember it being posted before

Neither do I, but my memory is unreliable.