Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by V8Ian

Aphrodisiac. I had a dozen on the weekend, only eleven worked.

Nanny Ogg, one of the witches in Terry Pratchett's loony Discworld, had a recipe for 'carrot and oyster pie'. Carrots so you can see in the dark, and oysters so you'll have something to look at.

Personally I never needed them.

Originally Posted by Saitch

Vide post #9361.

Sorry. I forgot.

FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 1st October 2008
RE: Christmas Party


I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.


There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...please feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if the MD shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!


The MD will make a special announcement at the Party.


Merry Christmas to you and your Family.

Pauline


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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 2nd October 2008
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.


However, from now on we're calling it our 'Holiday Party'. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your
enjoyment.


Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.


Pauline.
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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th October 2008
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table...you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, 'AA Only', you wouldn't be anonymous any more!!!! How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody?


Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed
now since the Union Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.



Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th October 2008
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!


Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs, perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party ? or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?


Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets, Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table.


Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's
table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.


We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food
will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first.


There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply 'No Sugar' desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!

Pauline.

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FROM: Pauline, Human Resources Director
TO: All F****** Employees
DATE: 8th October 2008
RE: The F******* Holiday Party.

Vegetarian, I've had it with you people !!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the 'grill of death', as you so quaintly put it, you'll get your damm salad bar, including organic tomatoes, But you know tomatoes have feelings too, They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing the scream right NOW!!


I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink drive and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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FROM: John, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th October 2008
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.

John

My wife said all the time I spend practicing my golf game was affecting our marriage and the only way to improve things was to go to couples therapy, so I'm taking my caddy on Monday.

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, 'I've got some bad news. You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I h...ave cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.' The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??'
'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'
And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order'

Extremist practioners of Tai Chi are known as Chihadists.

Question: "In what year did England send their best cricketers to Australia?"





Answer: "1788".

Stole this from the FB group:


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