March Humour and Jokes Thread

[VladTepes]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to
tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone
anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard."

[DeeJay]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he
awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a
long flowing white robe.

"Who the heck are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St.
Peter". Brian was stunned, "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have
so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've
got to send me back right away".

St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We
can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he
was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad," replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before."

"Never," replies Brian.

"Well just relax and let it happen."

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail.

An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
happened to him ...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting,

"Brian, wake up you drunken bastard, you're sh*ttin' in the bed!"


David

[moose]

MMM, funy and gross!

[FenianEel]

A man is driving along a deserted stretch of the Warrego highway towards Toowoomba when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye.....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 KILOMETRES.

He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought......Soon he sees another sign, which says:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 KILOMETRES.

for real? ....Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the better of him and he pulls into the driveway....On the side of the parking lot is a stonebuilding with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.... The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What can we do for you, young man?".
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."."Very well my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented....The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, Please knock on this door.............I'll leave you to it.

He does as he is told and another nun, Sister Di, in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".......

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup..... He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, and it shuts behind him........

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE. YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,YOU SINNER

[VladTepes]

That's gold !