Thread: May Jokes

OLD HAROLD

Harold is 92 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every
night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit, smoke a cigar, listen to music, ponder his
accomplishments and reflect on his long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 86, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours had
passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to
Mildred asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'SEX!!' he replies.

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart, you couldn't get it
up if I held a gun to your head!'

'I know,' Harold says, 'but it would be nice if a woman
could just hold it for a while.'

'Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his
trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they
agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and
talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.

Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual
meeting place.

Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he
was OK. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him
sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding
Harold's manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing Bastard! -----
What does Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old Harold smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's...'

I LOL'd.

Installing a husbandDear Tech Support,Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed adistinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed, Desperate

-------------------------------------

Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'I Thought You Loved Me.exe' and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system
resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Difference between Guts & Balls

There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and having the balls to say:
'You're next.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

please dont take offence to this


A black man goes to a doctor with a problem - he can't stop jogging!
'Hey white doctor" says the blackman "what ya think is makin' me run all over the place. To puckin' hot for dat sh*t"
The doctor says" Got me beat but hey I might have a cure"
To cure the man, the doctor puts two lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them.
The black man does what the doctor says and immediately after, he stops dead still.
'Puck me drunk. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.
'No' the doctor replies. 'It's bloody Omo - guaranteed to stop colours from running.'

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then…………………..

he married the one with the biggest tits.

Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

After being married for 44 years, I took a carefullook at my wife one day and said, 'Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheapcar, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got tosleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000.00 home, a$45,000.00 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-oldwoman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things.'

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to goout and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that Iwould once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car,sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how tosolve a mid-life crisis...

[FONT='Verdana','sans-serif']
News paper article.....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his **** with only 2 inches showing.


His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.[/FONT]