Thread: Sir Humbert Part 2

Thank you all for your nice words about 'silly stories', the story may continue.......






A few days later Sir Humbert and his loyal secretary, Jeffrey, discuss another issue or two.

SH: Apparently, Jeffrey, there is a chap called Clarkson. Are you aware of him?

J: Yes, Sir Humbert, I am.

SH: And you've been keeping this Mr Clarkson a secret from me, haven't you Jeffrey?

J: Oh, no, Sir Humbert, no, definitely not, Sir.

SH: So, who is this chap, Jeffrey?

J: He's a journalist, Sir, a motoring journalist. He's on the tellyvision, on the BBC, he has a tellyvision programme called 'Top Gear'.

SH: On the BBC? Good grief. A motoring journalist? Are they transmiiting after 9pm? And what does that have to do with us, Jeffrey? Our carriages, I believe, do not have any gears, they're..... automatic.

J: Yes sir, they are.. automatic...

SH: Well, Jeffrey, it has come to my attention that this Mr Clarkson drove one of our carriages off the macadam, indeed to the top of a mountain, in that little blight on the map to the north.

J: You mean Scotland, Sir Humbert.

SH: If you must use that word, Jeffrey. Now, who gave this Mr Clarkson permission to drive one of our Land Rover Discovery's off the macadam? And to Scotl..... you know, that place, the home of the Bruce.

J: And the MacDonalds, Sir Humbert.

SH: Good grief man, what do American hamburgers have to do with the conversation? Are those blasted Ford people at my plant, again?

J: I apologise, Sir Humbert, and no Sir Humbert.

SH: And well you should, Jeffrey. Those damned Americans, I somedays wonder why we won the war, Jeffery?

J: Yes sir.

SH: Now, Jeffrey who is responsible for the aforementioned Clarkson affair?

J: Oh yes, Sir Humbert, umm, well actually, you are, Sir Humbert.

SH: Me?

J: Yes sir, at the marketing meeting last Monday in January, you agreed to let him drive one of our Land Rovers.

SH: So, I have met this man, have I, Jeffrey?

J: Yes sir, you referred to him as loud, crass and annoying. You said to have Mr Clarkson removed from your sight.

SH: And Jeffrey?

J: Mr Clarkson said he'd leave immediately and drive straight the top of a mountain, and Sir Humbert, he did.

SH: Is he an American, Jeffrey?

J: No Sir.

SH: Damn, I can't have him deported.

J: He was born in the East End, Sir.

SH: Good grief, Jeffrey, you allowed me to meet a chap from the East End?

J: But he now lives in Knightsbridge, Sir Humbert.

SH: That's no excuse, Jeffrey. We loaned this chap one of our carriages, Jeffrey?

J: No sir, he bought it for his wife, to drive his children to school, in Knightsbridge, Sir...

SH: Well that's more like it, Jeffrey, we cant have our carriages becoming soiled, especially on the tellyvision. Ever since that 'thing' called the Camel Trophy, our carriages have been seen in the most untoward situations, and in the colonies.
Since when, Jeffrey, has the Queen, allowed those wretched convicts to drive our carriages in the colonies?

J: Pardon me, Sir Humbert and with the greatest of respect, I have heard of a chap, an Englishman, who has driven one of our carriages around the world. And off the macadam, Sir Humbert.

SH: By himself, Jeffrey?

J: No Sir, with his wife.

SH: My goodness man, his wife? Why did she leave her post, Jeffrey?

J: Women are apparently allowed from the domestic household kitchen, Sir Humbert.

SH: Do we fit kitchens in our carriages Jeffrey?

J: No sir... they apparently visited the MacDonalds in the colonies.

SH: The MacDonalds? Enough Jeffrey, enough. Too many words, Jeffrey. What are we going to do about the Clarkson affair? What does he drive Jeffrey, one of our carriages?

J: No Sir he drives a new GT40.

SH: The Ford that won Le Mans and beat the Ferraris? I suppose that's one saving grace, but they were rubbish, you know, Jeffrey, rubbish. Of course, Jeffrey, our Rover P6 was so much better.

J: The turbine P6, Sir Humbert?

SH: Was there any other Rover, Jeffrey? Now pay attention Jeffrey, this Clarkson chap, have his wife's carriage reposessed immediately.

J: But he paid for it in full, in British Sterling, to one of our dealers, Sir Humbert.

SH: I've always said we just can't trust our dealers, never know what riffraff they may procure, whoever perpetrated this crime, remove their carriage licence immediately, take a note Jeffrey! Or I'll have to have words with Phillip.

J: He does apparently have a Defender, though.....

SH: A what, Jeffrey?

J: You know, Sir Humbert, the carriages that smell like submarines.

SH: Oh... yes... Jeffrey, repossess that, too.

J: Sir Humbert?

SH: Now, Jeffrey, get Phillip on the tellyphone, he apparently has one of our leather Discovery models from last year and it has been seen to be soiled, his wife is concerned he has a liking for 'orfroaddriving'.... it needs to be returned for maintenance.

J: But that was the best one we ever built, Sir Humbert, the vice regal Discovery, it was perfect, it was built in Germany by........

SH: Enough! Words, Jeffrey, words! Give him a new Range Rover sport, actually give him yours, he apparently sees a need, like you, Jeffrey, to depart the macadam. The man will probably want to drive it to Greece to visit the relatives, for gods sakes.. are they still a colony? Jeffrey?

Too funny Quiggers, too funny!!!