Joke thread 2

[rmp]

The question being; which came first, the chicken or the egg.

[incisor]

Originally posted by bigbugga
I DONT GET IT!
No really I mean I dont get it, I understand it but. :?

if i hadnt seen it with my own eyes i wouldnt have believed it!

[Pedro_The_Swift]

yea,, I know there not jokes,, but there worth a read!!!!


FBI'S BEST 12 DEATHS

Every year the FBI, is asked to investigate over 36,000 Serious Crimes including Suspicious Deaths and Homicides. Every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its Top 12 Homicides of the year.

1- Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, is killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged session of fun she snapped, pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

2- Debby Mills - Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day, but crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

3- Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he
had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her fathers coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realise what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.

4- David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend after he attempted to have his way with her. His unwelcome advance was met with a double-barreled shotgun. Charla's (the girlfriends) father had given it to her an hour before the date started, just in case.


5- Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for 8 years. The landlord, Kirk Weston, clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

6- Megan Fry, 44 years old, is killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town, simulation. Seeing all the troopers walking slowly down the street Megan Fry had jumped out in front of them and yelled Boo! The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting the target. She just looked like a very real looking target, one of the troopers stated in his report.

7- Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long, Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

8- Helena Simms, Wife to the famous American nuclear scientist Harold Simms was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbor. Over a period of 3 months Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a Uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss, welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

9- Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem, and had no sense of smell. After the argument Brian stormed out of the house,then snuck back later, and turned on the 3 gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me, Brian. Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house, and himself in the process.


10- Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbor in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbor, Falt Hame, for years had a mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at an empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this he invited Miss Winter over for a cup of coffee and a chat about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine, as she walked into the yard he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5,000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

11- Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie, Die Hard With a Vengeance as inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry, into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read Death to all N**g**s! on one side, and God Loves the KKK. On the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

12- Military Sergeant John Joe Winter killed his two timing wife by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kgs of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was heard by several persons some up to 14 kilometers away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 meter deep crater, and 500m of missing road.

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by incisor+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(incisor)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga
I DONT GET IT!
No really I mean I dont get it, I understand it but. :?

if i hadnt seen it with my own eyes i wouldnt have believed it![/b][/quote]

You get to see a lot around here DAD.


And RMP, :wink: thanks mate

[Knight]

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke,
when
it started to rain.

Lady 2: pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her
cigarette,and continued to smoke.
Lady 1: "What's that?"
Lady 2: "A condom. This way the cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: "Where did you get it?
Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day Lady 1 hobbles herself down to the local drugstore and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy
looks at her kind of strangely. She is, after all, over 80 years of
age,
but politely asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel."

The pharmacist fainted.


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

> Snappy Answer #1
>
> A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened
his
trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need
to see your ticket, not your stub."
>
>
>
> Snappy Answer #2
>
> A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do
these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're
dead."
>
> Snappy Answer #3
>
> The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled
down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid
replied, "Yeah, well. I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally
stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
>
>
>
> Snappy Answer #4
>
> A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of
him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around
to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
gas."
>
> And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....
> Snappy Answer #5
>
> THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR
>
> A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now,
class,
I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might
consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at
the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have
to
write the exam with your other hand."


Knight :wink:

[medic455]

BEWARE Blonde Genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially
buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two good-looking blonde genies appear and tell him he has been granted three
wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by
50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the
house. He notices crunching under his feet and looking down, he realizes
the entire floor is covered in $100.00 bills. Suddenly there is a knock at
the door. He answers the door and standing there are two people dressed in
Klu Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a
rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off. As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their
hoods. It's the two blonde genies. One blonde genie says to the other
one, "I don't get it... I can understand the first wish, having all those
beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him
wanting to be a millionaire. But... WHY he'd want to be hung like a black
man is beyond me!"

[medic455]

A man enters the confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say 3 Hail
Mary's."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is "Fannie Green?" "A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say 10 Hail Mary's." The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when, suddenly a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her, as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman sits with her skirt riding up.
The priest turns to the altar boy and asks, "Is that Fannie Green?" The altar boy, whose eyes are popping out of his head, replies; "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes." [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[VladTepes]

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] LOL [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Originally posted by medic455
Real landrovers have leaf springs and a canvas top

Leaf springs ? D'Oh !

Canvas Top ? D'Oh !

You forgot "is shaped like a house brick on a beer slab". Mine is like that. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

[medic455]

and they just keep going and going and going and going .................

"You drive a Landrover with coil spring's, that is your problem" [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] :wink: