Thread: JOKES (Part 3)

A Husband walks into a room carrying a Duck
"This is the Pig I've been screwing" He says.

"Thats a duck not a Pig" Says his wife.

"I was talking to the duck" Says the man...............

This email hit my inbox a few months ago ...... you may have seen it before but good for a laugh!!! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who
nowadays think it is cool to be a metro. Bring back our masculinity - stop
being a bunch of pussies who have far too much gel in their hair and
smell and look like chicks.

Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino:


Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
effeminate men prancing about, Decorating houses and talking about
foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual,
bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
purple-sexual...

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your arse, burp, and yell
"ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture
Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "

The Code:

A Retrosexual man, no matter what the woman insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in into your
home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long
you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars
and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having s*x, you are a God.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman.
Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need
deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!

A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look
like he's **** himself, or with a stupid chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing
a hat, wear it correctly - not on the side like an idiot. Blokes and
necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!

A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on
national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for
women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only
lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little pansy.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental
stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a
freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different
city, favourite dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink
because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING
WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to
conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and
ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about
getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't
hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you
can -- or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are
riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH
IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those
people or things that just need a little "wakin' up".

Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none
of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports
teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of
release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a
Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved
one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part,
or loss of major body part on your Holden ute (or Land Rover).

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a
pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called
men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pr*&ks" look on his
face.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not
understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they
offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged
or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking **** with the boys.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants.
Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on
his ute--that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the
retrosexual man's options are to Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but
any elderly person or person in military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE:
The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual
man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their
country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good
enough.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does
something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the
process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT!

Soon as I wipe this excess moisturiser of my hands I need a hug to recover from reading that blatent exposay on stone age man...... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

A recent survey showed that before a car accident city people say "Oh f*#k"

While country people say " Hold my Bundy and watch this for skill"

Retrosexuals drive Land Rovers.

Metrosexuals drive things called "soft roaders" or "SUV's"

or barinas

Good to see the "real man" is still alive.


Knight, I'm not really a sexist pig who expects my other half to slave after me. Glad to see you have a sense of humour. :wink:

Originally posted by disco95


Knight, I'm not really a sexist pig who expects my other half to slave after me. Glad to see you have a sense of humour. :wink:

She has a WICKED one [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/tongue.gif[/img]


oh you said humour


<span style="font-size:36pt;line-height:100%">Thought you said hummer :? </span>
oh never mind

Not sure of that small writing there bb, did you say she has a wicked hummer, or a wicked hammer? 8O
The answer to this may influence further posts by me. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]