JOKES (Part 3)

Mike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs., 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs. each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you Ok??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs., have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said "Turn Around."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, they have set up their tent and are asleep.

Some hours later, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend "Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see".

Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" asks the Lone Ranger.

Tonto ponders for a minute and replies

"Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies playing host to billions of stars and planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately 3:15am.

Theologically it is evident the Lord is all poewrful and as small insignificant beings, we pale in his presence.

Meteorologically, we are in for a clear and beautiful day tomorrow with a slight easterly breeze in the morning.

What it tell you Kemo Sabi?"

The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, looking at Tonto in amazement, then he says "Tonto, you f**wit...... Someone has stolen our tent."


Cheers
Knight :wink:

The Pope was touring Australia and took out a couple of days from his
itinerary to visit the northern tropics and the outback. Deep into his
visit, his 4WD Popemobile was driving alongside a river, when he heard
some splashing up ahead. As he drew close, the Pope observed in the
river, an Aboriginal man struggling frantically with a crocodile, who had
grasped the poor guy in its powerful jaws.
At that moment, from around the river bend, a speedboat roared into view,
containing three people - Bruce Ruxton, Arthur Tunstall and Pauline
Hanson.
As the speedboat neared the struggling figure,
Pauline Hanson took aim and fired a harpoon into the crocodiles hide.
Then Ruxton and Tunstall pulled the man from the jaws of the crocodile and
using long clubs, beat the crocodile to death. They bundled the
semi-conscious man onto the speedboat, as well as the dead croc and then
approached the river-bank.
The Pope was impressed by what he had witnessed, so he went up to greet
them. He said "I give you my blessings for your brave actions. I had
heard that there were some racist xenophobic people trying to divide
Australia's community - but now I can see that your society is a truly
enlightened example of racial harmony and could serve as a model for other
nations to follow."
As the Popemobile drove off, Pauline Hanson asked the others: "Who was
that?"
Ruxton answered: "That was his holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact
with God and has access to all God's wisdom."
Pauline Hanson: "Well, he knows bugger -all about crocodile hunting! What
condition is the bait in?"

Knight: That Lone Ranger joke has always been a favourite of mine [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

As a homework exercise, the teacher asked her class to come up with a sentence using the word "contageous".

The next morining the teacher asked various pupils to stand up and read out their sentence.

Sally stood up... "Last year I had the chicken pox and had to stay at home because I was contageous"

Next was Timmy ...."Doctors and nurses sometimes have to wear masks because the patients ar contageous"

Assuming that nothing bad could come from this word, the teacher then asked little Johnny to read out his sentence ....

...."My Dad said he's never using that plumber again 'cause it took the contageous to finish the job"

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding the prairie one fine morning when Tonto reigns in his horse, climbs down and kneels on the ground.
He places his ear to the earth and listens with a knowing look.
The Lone Ranger looks down at him and asks "What is it Tonto?"

"Buffalo come" replies Tonto.

"How can you be sure?" asks the Lone Ranger.

"Ear stuck to ground".

Little Johnny was doing maths problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None" replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away".

"Well the answer is 4" said the taecher. "But I like the way you are thinking."

So Johnny says "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the the third sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well" said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?".

"No." said little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."

Two nuns have been using bicycles to get around in the vatican.
One day, one of the nuns remarks to the other:
"Have you ever come this way before?"
"Yes" replied the nun, "It's the cobbletones."

A city slicker named Tommy was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being
very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the
greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.
Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the
toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so
many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.
That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived
up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.
As a joke the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in
the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast. Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.
Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a
minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.
Everyone was astonished. "Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends "how on earth did you manage that?"
"Easy," said Tommy "Back in Australia I drive a series 1 Landrover."!!

Two women had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties"

"That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her ass that said :'From all of us at the Fire Station. We will never forget you!'." [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] :wink: 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink: