JOKES (Part 3)

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too." And drives off.


************************************************** ***********

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
the Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she
had a cock."



Bushie

:roll: and [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] all at the same time Bushie

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this ahuge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beatsit to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
Chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the
lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job
which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he
starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the
bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the
lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

**Understanding Engineers - Take One**



Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said, "Where did

you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday

minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She

threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take

what you want."


The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes

probably wouldn't have fit."



*Understanding Engineers - Take Two*



To the optimist, the glass is half full.



To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.



To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.





*Understanding Engineers - Take Three*



A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a

particularly slow group of golfers.



The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting

for 15 minutes!"



The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"



The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word

with him."



"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather

slow, aren't they?"



The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind

fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire

last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."



The group was silent for a moment.



The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for

them tonight."



The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist

buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."



The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"





*Understanding Engineers - Take Four*



What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?



Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.





*Understanding Engineers - Take Five*



The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"



The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"



The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"



The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with



that?"





*Understanding Engineers - Take Six*



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the

possible designers of the human body.



One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."



Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has

many thousands of electrical connections."



The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run

a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"





*Understanding Engineers - Take Seven*



"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.



Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough

features yet"





*Understanding Engineers - Take Eight*



An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was

better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.



The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid

foundation for an enduring relationship.



The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the passion

and mystery he found there.



The engineer said, "I like both."



"Both?"



"Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are

spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the pub and get

some drinking done."





*Understanding Engineers - Take Nine*



An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him

and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."



He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.



The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into

a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."



The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned

it to the pocket.



The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a

princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."



Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into

his pocket.



Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a

beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do

anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"



The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a

girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A woman standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to
her husband "I look, horrible, fat and ugly...can you please pay
me a compliment?"


The husband replies.....

Well your eyesight's spot on...........

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and young nun, Sister
Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Fr.
John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and
pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
nightbath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Fr. John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old Devil!" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"


Bushie

A man is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out and tells the doctor. The doctor says this is amazing and is a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies "She choked."


Bushie

Well done bushie, very funny.

Quote:

---

Originally posted by RichardK
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.

As he does this ahuge fish jumps out and bites him. To show the others who's boss he beatsit to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased he
disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
Chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the
lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything.

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure. He moved on to the last job
which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he
starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the
bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and throws them into the
lion's cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lion says "Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushy bees."

---

My favourite..... nice work :!:

This is one for all the holden fans, got this from Auto Action. Whats the difference between HRT and a garbage bin?



















A garbage bin wont take itself out. Matt