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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on he bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks.
"Now what?", responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!", says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball, he measures everything first!"
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An elderly couple were enjoying their routine Sunday drive. They have taken this relaxing drive every year of their 50 some year marriage.
With no warning, the woman strikes her peasful husband across the jaw. Enraged, and nearly crashing the vehicle he yells out, "What the Hell was that for?"
She replys "That was for 50 years of REALLY bad sex."
He grumbles and they go back to the drive. The husband than strikes his wife without warning.
She hollars, "What was that for?"
The old man replies, "That was for knowing the difference. . . bad sex my ass."
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Bushie
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A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this, they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Bushie
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LOL Bushie - it's hard to go wrong with a monkey joke... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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Nice one bushie, gotta love them monkeys [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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Here is a monkey one, or two.
A guy was hitchhiking along a major highway when truck driver pulls up and picks him up. As the guy hops in a monkey disappears under the seat. Was that a monkey asks the guys, yeah says the truck driver, do you want him to to a trick. Yeah that would be cool replies the hitchhiker. The truck driver calls the monkey out from under the seat, slaps it in the back of the head, the monkey undoes the truck drivers fly and give him oral sex. Thats amazing says the hitchhiker. Would you like to have ago asks the truck driver. Oh i suppose says the hithchiker, but please dont slap me as hard as you slapped the monkey.
Three guys get out of gaol and are sitting around a camp fire thinking up was to make cash. Rob bank says the first guy. No thats stupid says the third, we will end up back in gaol. Cheat on our taxes, says the second. We have to pay tax to cheat it replies the third. The two guys look at the third and say well come on smarty pants you havent overed any suggestions. Lets break some sort of record and make people pay to see it. I know we could make the worlds biggest elephant, we can get one and stick a cork up its bum and feed it none stop for two years.
They do this and two years they are sitting around discussing how to get the cork out. All the guys refuse to be the poor bastard who has to pull the cork out. We could get a monkey to do it suggests the second guy, they are pretty smart. Ok a monkey it is, over the coming couple of months they train the monkey to pull the cork out.
The day comes and the monkey is placed behind the elephant on a stool, the first guy is 50m away with a whistle, the second 100m away with a red flag, and the third 150m away with an air horn. The monkey has been trained to pull the cork out when the whistle is blown by the 1st guy. The other two just use their device to tell each other when they are ready.
They are ready, the 3rd guys sounds the air horn, the second waves his flag and the 1st blows the whistle. The monkey pulls the cork out and **** goes everywhere. The first guy is completely covered, the second is waist deep and the third is knee deep. The third wades in gets the second guy and the move in to dig the 1st guy out. When they finally find him he is ****ing himself laughing. Whats so funny the other two ask. Once the 1st guy calms down he says to the other two, you should have seen the monkey trying to put the cork back in. lol [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Matt
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A family was sitting around the supper table. The son asked his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of women beauties are there?
The father , surprised, answered, "Well, son, there are three kinds of
beauties.
In her twenties, a women's beauties are like melons, round and firm.
In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "mom, how
many kinds of men beauties are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiled and looked at her daughter and answered,
"Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In a man's twenties, his beauty is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!"
8O 8O 8O 8O 8O
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Abbot & Costello sketch, Costello wants to buy a computer so goes along to the computer store .....
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, lets just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue w?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A FEW DAYS LATER . .
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START"..................................
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[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]
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A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy,
"Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat. " The cowboy groaned but didn't
budge. The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm
going to have to call the manager. "
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the
aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them
tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation
briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name? "
"Sam, " the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam? " asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied,
". . . the balcony!"
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EMAIL MEMORIES 2004, do the never ending, beware- did you know email's give you the Sh*t's as well.
Thanks to all my friends who sent me such important emails in 2003 & 2004! It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform!
Because of all of you I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains.
I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with a disease.
I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer.
I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.
I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a high phone bill with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.
I stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.
I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtubfull of ice.
However, the police are also after me at present because you said not to pull over as they could be fake policemen trying to kidnap me.
I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program.
It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.
But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse.
OOPS I ALMOST FORGOT, IMPORTANT NOTE: If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next ten seconds, a bird will crap on you tonight at 7:00 PM.
Here's to an even better informed 2005 !
