Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Originally posted by bigbugga
You Know You're In Trouble When...

...People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.

I'm in trouble. I was called by staff office and asked if I could extend and work another 4 hours overtime this afternoon as my relief had gone off sick. I said "yes".

I just called the wife to tell her I'd be late. Seems it's our 35th wedding anniversary today and she'd made a dinner booking. ops:

I think I'd better try to find a very good anniversary present!

Aha! A 2005 Subaru Forester??

Ron

I thought she wanted a Freelander....

Originally posted by VladTepes
I thought she wanted a Freelander....

Nope, the Freebie didn't enter our thoughts for long.

She got the Forester last Thursday.

Ron

So a strict policy of a new car every 10 years as long as it ends in a '5' eh Ron :?:

There was this guy and he had a girlfriend called Lorraine
who was very pretty and he liked her a lot.

One day he went to work to find that a new girl had started.
Her name was Clearly and she was absolutely gorgeous.
He became quite besotted with her and after a while it became obvious
that she was interested in him too.

But this guy was a loyal man and he wouldn't get involved with Clearly
while he was still going out with Lorraine.

He decided that there was nothing for it but to break up with her
and get it on with the new girl.

He planned several times to tell Lorraine but he couldn't bring himself to do it.
One day they went for a walk along the river bank
when Lorraine slipped and fell in to the river.
The current carried her off and she drowned.

The guy stopped for a moment by the river and then ran off smiling and singing:





<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">Wait for it </span>











"I can see Clearly now Lorraine has gone"

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles
per hour.

The wife is behind the wheel.


Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.
"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I
want a divorce.

"The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly
increases her speed to 45 mph.


The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of
it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend,
and she's a far better lover than you are.


"Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly
and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He then pushes his luck.

"I want the house," he says insistently. The car's now up to 60.

"I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have
the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat."

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.


This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her:


"Isn't there anything you want?" The wife at last replies


-- in a quiet and controlled voice.

"No, I've got everything I need." She says.


"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?" Just before they slam
into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles...

"The airbag."


NEVER underestimate how a woman thinks. :wink:

Cheers
Knight :wink:

Kung Chow called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I not come work
today. I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache, leg hurt.
I not come work."

His boss says: "Kung Chow I really need you today. When I
feel sick like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Kung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you
say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house." 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink: