Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.

The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... Who was HE?'"

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed, "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

Sarah, a recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach
towel at Cocoa Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that a man her age
had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a
book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.
"Hello, sir," how are you?

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied,
and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree, he answered, and then resumed
reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do
you like pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket
onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate
ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the
man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Good one TP :!:

An oldie but a goodie:


Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the
two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits,
and paint naked. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at
the door.

"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that no harm
can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man "Where do you want the blinds?"

True story, years ago when I was doing my apprenticeship as a painter, we had the contract to paint the local convent. There was area (10m x10m) that was surrounded by a large brick fence which was out of bounds to all contractors. Being a curious young apprentice, one day at lunch I put the ladder against the wall and had a peep over. “Nearly fell off the ladder” About half a dozen of the Nuns where laying about getting an all over tan. Scarred me terribly as they where all over 50. Not the sort of thing a 15 year old should have burnt onto his retina at such a tender age. 8O 8O 8O 8O 8O

The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's 'little soldier' can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctor and explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad for her. The doctor thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says, "Listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband's on his way out... Get this prescription, and put three drops in his milk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks the doctor profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went. The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in his milk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to close the coffin."

A wedding occurred, just outside Cavan in Ireland.

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride's and groom's families had a storming row and began wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other.

The Police got called in to break up the fight. The following week, all members of both families appeared in court. The fight continued in the court room until the Judge finally brought calm with the use of his hammer, shouting "Silence in Court!"

The court room went silent and Paddy (the best man) stood up and said, "Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened." The Judge agreed and asked Paddy to take the stand.

Paddy began his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the Best Man gets the first dance with the Bride.

"Well", continued Paddy, "After I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the Groom leaped over the table, ran towards us, and gave the Bride an unmerciful kick in her privates."

The Judge instantly responded: "God... that must have hurt!"

Paddy replied, "HURT ?? It broke 3 of my fingers!!!"