Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

> >The Definitive Guide to Being an Aussie
>
> >
>
> >1. The bigger the hat , the smaller the farm.
>
> >
>
> >2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
>
> >
>
> >3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art
>
> >gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a
sausage
>
> >sizzle.
>
> >
>
> >4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a
media
>
> >billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
>
> >
>
> >5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato
>
> >sauce.
>
> >
>
> >6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing
them
>
> >inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
>
> >
>
> >7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic
milk
>
> >crate.
>
> >
>
> >8. All our best heroes are losers.
>
> >
>
> >9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from
the
>
> >hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
>
> >
>
> >10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
>
> >
>
> >11. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By
>
> >contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
>
> >
>
> >12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth
>
> >fixing.
>
> >
>
> >13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one
that
>
> >has the swimming pool.
>
> >
>
> >14. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
>
> >
>
> >15. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family

>
> >drinks too much.
>
> >
>
> >16. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend
all
>
> >night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

>
> >
>
> >17. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything

>
> >you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're
not
>
> >trying.
>
> >
>
> >18. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog

>
> >battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
>
> >
>
> >19. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your
front
>
> >yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on
the
>
> >fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
>
> >
>
> >20. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the Motel's pool

>
> >will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.
>
> >
>
> >21. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that
the
>
> >Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
>
> >
>
> >22. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia.
>
> >
>
> >Potential new Aussies must pass the following test:
>
> >
>
> >a) Mowing a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs
>
> >holding a VB (Beer) while watching the cricket.
>
> >
>
> >[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/cool.gif[/img] If you can't pass that, chances are you will never be able to pass
>
> >yourself off as an Aussie.

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly


A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.


"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"



He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH.
A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET.
"NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,
"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET.

HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN,
HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER
HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK THEN SAY'S,
"THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"

FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES,"
THAT WAS VERY NICE, BUT...............ARE-MY-TEST-RESULTS-BACK??!


Sorry for the shouting.

Originally posted by Ace
See what you have gone and done now ron, you have everybody spell checking and tearing apart other peoples pieces of writing. Matt

Excellent! (rub's hand's together) [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Ron

(and I didn't even correct your lines above! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to
make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is
destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of
every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
>
In a flash of lightening, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
>
In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
>
"Remember" said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
>
> Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and
> all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah was
sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted, "Where is the Ark?"
>
> "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there
were big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and
your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering
firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with Occupational Health & Safety Commission over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler
system and flotation devices.
>
Then my neighbour objected, claiming I was violating zoning
ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to lodge a
Rezoning Application with Brisbane City Council & it is now with the Land &
Environment Court.
>
> I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a
ban on cutting trees to protect the Kookaburra. I finally convinced
the Dept of Conservation & Land Management that I needed the wood to
save the kookaburras. However, National Parks & Wildlife won't let me catch any kookaburras, so, no kookaburras.
>
> The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the Dept of Industrial Relations before anyone
would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no kookaburras.
>
> When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by RSPCA.
They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard. Just when I
got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete
the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on Your
proposed flood.
They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
>
> Then the Dept of Land and Water Conservation demanded a map of the
proposed new flood plain. I sent them a complete set of UBDs &
Gregory's.
>
> Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
>
The Australian Tax Office has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying
taxes.
I am also have to wait for registration of my ABN for the GST.
>
> I just got a notice from the Waterways Authority that I owe them
some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational
water craft."
>
> I also need a Boat Drivers License but they are debating about how
to classify the craft. I am getting continual visits from Green
Peace, RSPCA, Work Cover, Sheriff's Office & numerous other government departments.
>
> Finally, the Australian Council for Civil Liberties got the courts
to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark,
saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and
therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for
another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
>
> The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth Lord?"
>
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to.
The Government bureaucracy already has .." 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

HOW VERY TRUE :!:

Its funny cause its true. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Matt

Johnny's homework assignment was to find out the meaning of the words "potentially" and "actually".

He went home and after dinner he asked his father to explain the difference.

His father said "Go and ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for $100,000"

Johnny returned and said that his mother's reply was that she would indeed sleep with Robert Redford for $100,000.

His father then said "Go and ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for $100,000

Again Johnny returned and said that his sister's reply was that she definitely would sleep with Brad Pitt for $100,000

But Dad how does that explain the meaning of the words ?

Well son it means that <span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">potentially</span> we're sitting on $200,000 but <span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">actually</span> we're living with a couple of whores

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]