Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Not even rude....

http://www.clean-your-screen-for-free-now.com/

Originally posted by Knight
THE RECTUM STRETCHER!



While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit),

a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the

other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car,

and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

"What's your hurry?"



To which she replied, "I'm late for work."



"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"



"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.



The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a

rectum stretcher do?"



"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to



two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work

from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but

surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."



"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot as***le?" he asked.



"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Traffic Ticket $95.00

Court Costs. $45.00

The Look on Cop's Face. PRICELESS


Cheers
Knight :wink:

I love it Knight, my friends and colleagues always ask me how do i know all these jokes, they dont know ayone else who can remember them all. I will intorduce them to you, then they will know two. Matt [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I..... became.... a...a....a..... prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless hussy ! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad - as you wish. I just came back to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for £5 million. For my little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht on the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?"

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh ! Bejaysus ! - You scared me half to death, girl ! I thought you said "a Protestant". Come here and give your old man a hug !"

> > >AN IRISH CONFESSION
> > >
> > > "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
>woman."
> > >
> > > The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?"
> > >
> > > "Yes, Father, it is."
> > >
> > > "And, who was the woman you were with?"
> > >
> > > Sure and I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin
>her
> > >reputation."
> > >
> > > "Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may
>as
>well
> > >tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
> > >
> > > "I cannot say."
> > >
> > > "Was it Patricia Kelly?"
> > >
> > > "I'll never tell."
> > >
> > > "Was it Liz Shannon?"
> > >
> > > "I'm sorry, but I can't name her."
> > >
> > > "Was it Cathy Morgan?"
> > >
> > > "My lips are sealed."
> > >
> > > "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
> > >
> > > "Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
> > >
> > > The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad,
Tommy
> > >Shaughnessy, and I
> > > admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot
>attend
> > >church mass for three
> > > months. Be off with you now."
> > >
> > > Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean,
> > > slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
> > >
> > > "Three month's vacation and five good leads."

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Good stuff, think i'll borrow that one for work Hiline!

Heres another one

Yesterday, University of NSW scientists released the results of a recent
analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men
should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is
that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoestrogens) and
that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men were fed 10 schooners of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1) Gained weight.
2) Talked excessively without making sense.
3) Became overly emotional.
4) Couldn't drive.
5) Failed to think rationally.
6) Argued over nothing.
7) Had to sit down while urinating.
8)Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
No further testing was considered necessary

Its funny cause its true. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Matt

<span style="color:indigo">Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd
have received a Darwin Award for sure....... </span>


Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of
my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following
details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I
found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found
to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in
a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the
building on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and
loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it
tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident
report form that I weigh 135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off
the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to
let go of the rope.

Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the
building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collar bone, as listed in section of the accident report form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was
able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, that barrel weighed
approximately 50lbs. I refer you again to my weight.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down
the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into
the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.


I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me.


This explains the two broken legs.
I hope this answers your inquiry.

8O I think he must have been having a 'bad brain' day!

I thought these kinds of accidents only happened in the cartoons.