Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

4 Knight----


Q: What should you do if you see your ex-husband
rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A: Shoot him again.

Q: How can you tell if a man is well-hung?
A: When you can barely slip your finger in between his
neck
and the noose.

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: Because they are practicing to be men.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One - he just holds it up there and waits for the
world
to revolve around him, or three - one to screw in the
bulb and
two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping
for
breath and calling your name?
A: You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one
egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates
after
mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the
toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need
to
wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women .. ?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A
man
wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your
email?
A: Rename the folder to "Instructions Manuals".

LOL!! They were good Pedro - and some are so true too! 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Here's a quick one............

On a recent campaign trip through Wisconsin
President Bush visited the City of Green Bay.
He met with the elders of the Oneida Nation.
He said he had a plan to improve the income of every
Native American by $40,000.00 a year. Details of the
plan were not presented despite frequent requests to
do so. President Bush was adopted as a member of the
Oneida Nation and given the name Walking Eagle.

After the President left, one of the elders was asked
the significance of the name Walking Eagle.

His response---" Bird so full of **** it can't fly "

Cheers
Knight :wink:

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her
telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few
occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see
this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone
pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone
didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a
steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the
phone number was called.
4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and
then urinate on himself and the ground.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the
phone to ring.

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing

and

moaning.

I will tell stacey this, next time she tells me i am ****ing an moaning, she will know it is worth while. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] matt

I,___________________, the undersigned, agree that:

In the highly unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for two minutes, wheezing
like an old man with emphysema, (as is entirely normal and in accordance
with the natural order of things) I shall politely fake one. It'll be a
really good act too, with me saying stuff like oooh, do me slow; your so
good, you're the best and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed
with a compass.

I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take
the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team
loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible
to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

To demonstrate my understanding of this principle, I will prepare your
favorite meal or, in the event of not being able to cook, take you out for
a few pints at my cost. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie
chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled
Himalayan yak and that you have discovered, contrary to popular belief,
that size does matter. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as making love), I will not expect
you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair
annoyingly get in your face. Under no circumstances will I attempt to start
a conversation as you are dropping off to sleep.

I will never, ever give your penis a cute nickname. Any references to this
hallowed appendage will be prefaced with words such as mighty, huge
thrapping or the thunderstick.

In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you
fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there,
grinning.

I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you
if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite
them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay. I
understand that video footage of such incidents is an indispensable part of
the experience and in the event that you do not already possess one, I will
acquire a video camera for you at the earliest opportunity.

After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have ruined
me for other men.

I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, barbecues
and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension
of women, and that I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to
operate them, so you're in charge of the lot. Except for the iron, the
Hoover and the washing machine, of course.

Signed____________________________________

Date _____________________________________

Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down.........

by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad.

9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.

8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.

7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson..

6. Elvis is leaving the building.

5. The Landy is not all the way in the garage.

4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.

3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.

2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus.

And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped.....

1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts.

And another just for laughs...



Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and
an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and
fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have
really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw,and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt
the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be
either a Team Leader, Supervisor or possibly someone in Senior Management."

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to
wake him at 5:00am for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on
a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00am", he left it where he knew
she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00am and he
had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife
hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed, the
paper said, "It is 5:00am, wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have created
man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the
masterpiece.

[quote=Knight]<span style="color:indigo">Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd
have received a Darwin Award for sure....... </span>

I think this was recreated on Mythbusters a few weeks back. (SBS Monday arvo and Monday evening)

Ron