Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring,
and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the ****** on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Queensland schools use the car
only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a Tasmanian zoo and a NSW zoo?
A Tasmanian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the
cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern
fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

OK the sad truth as to why I am now single
Daryl's Badnight..
Daryl works hard during the week and spends two nights each week fishing
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Daryl! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Daryl. "He's on my golf team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Daryl if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey. A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Daryl, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Big Boy Daryl. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Daryl's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Daryl follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Daryl tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book. The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Daryl, you picked up a real bitch this time."

[quote=p38arover]

Originally Posted by Knight

<span style="color:indigo">Possibly the funniest story in a long while.
This is a bricklayer's accident report,
which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian
equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.
This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd
have received a Darwin Award for sure....... </span>

I think this was recreated on Mythbusters a few weeks back. (SBS Monday arvo and Monday evening)

Ron

Last Monday. Will be repeated next Monday arvo at 5pm

Ron

OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN


1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil change.

2) Drink a cup of coffee.

3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
$20.00 for oil change
$1.00 for coffee
Total = $21.00



OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN


1) Go to O' Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty Litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.


2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3) Open a beer and drink it.


4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.


6) Place drain pan under engine.

7) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

8) Give up and use crescent wrench.

9) Unscrew drain plug.

10) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.

11) Clean up mess.

12) Have another beer while watching oil drain.

13) Look for oil filter wrench.

14) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.

15) Beer.

16) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

17) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

18) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

19) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

20) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

21) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

22) Remember drain plug from step 11.

23) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

24) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.

25) Drink beer.

26) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.

27) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.

28) Drink beer.

29) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.

30) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.

31) Begin cussing fit.

32) Throw wrench.

33) Beer.

34) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.

35) Beer.

36) Beer.

37) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.

38) Beer.

39) Lower car from jack stands.

40) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.

41) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

42) Beer.

43) Test drive car.

44) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.

45) Car gets impounded.

46) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.


Money spent:

$50.00 parts
$25.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands
$1,000.00 Bail

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she asks? He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Naw, I'm still not hungry." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving

After Great Britain's Beer Festival...

After Great Britain's Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided it would be fun to hit a pub in London and go out for a beer. The first sits down and says, "Hey, Señora, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The second says, "I'd like the best beer in the world. Give me 'The King of Beers.' One Budweiser please." The bartender gives him one. Another guy says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water; give me a Coors." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Guinness sits down as he orders a Coke. The bartender is a bit taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">Daryl's Bad Night</span>

Daryl works hard during the week and spends two nights each week fishing and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Daryl! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Daryl. "He's on my golf team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Daryl if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Daryl, starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Big Boy Daryl. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Daryl's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Daryl follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Daryl tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Daryl, you picked up a real bi*ch this time." 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

<span style="color:darkred">The Bunny and the Snake.</span>

Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am." "It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit." "Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no ears, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".