Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Nutritional Facts

Speaking of drinking and nutrition, the latest facts:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Aussies, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

I wont agrue with an expert :wink:

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">THE RING</span>

An old man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a drop-dead gorgeous young blonde on his arm.
"I'm looking for a spectacular ring for this young lady," he said.

The jeweller looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand. I want something very unique, and much more expensive" the old man said.

At that, the jeweller went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $85,000." The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"Fine," the jeweller said. "And how will you be paying today?"
"I'll pay by cheque, but of course you will want to make sure that everything is in order,
so I'll write a cheque today, and you can phone the bank Monday, and I'll pick up the ring Monday afternoon."

Monday morning a very ****ed-off jeweller phones the man. "You lied to me," he said, "There's no money in that account."

"I know that," the old man said, "But can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?" :wink: 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?



Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?


Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.


Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abler died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?


Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.


Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"


Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Good ol' boy

A good ol' boy had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to remove two bouquets of flowers from the back of his truck. He put one in front of his pickup truck and one behind it.

The good ol' boy then started taking out his spare and jack to replace the tire.

A passerby from Illinois studied the scene as he drove by and was
so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the
problem was.

The good ol' boy replied, "Flat tire."

In response the passerby asked, "But, what's with the flowers?"

The ol' boy responded, "When ya' break down they tell ya' to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I ain't never understood it neither."

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

Not speshly. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift
spechilly if you do it wrong,, hey Ron :wink:

I wont agrue with an expert :wink:[/b][/quote]

I'm not sure if that's "agree" or "argue" - it could be either. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Oh, "wont" means:
1: ACCUSTOMED, USED <got up early as he is wont to do>
2 : INCLINED, APT " (from Merriam-Webster)

So that sentence could possibly be read in several ways. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Ron