Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

[quote=bigbugga]

Originally Posted by Ace

Originally Posted by VladTepes

Originally Posted by p38arover

"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

When were there before? Matt

[quote=bigbugga]

Originally Posted by Ace

Originally Posted by VladTepes

Originally Posted by p38arover

"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

Well, you haven't fixed your signature line, yet. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron

[quote=p38arover]

Originally Posted by bigbugga

Originally Posted by Ace

Originally Posted by VladTepes

Originally Posted by p38arover

"97 defender & 2002 AU XR8
Slow and rough one day
Fast and powerfull the next "

"powerful" [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron

He just wanted to emphasise how full of <span style="color:red">power </span>

I dont think it is power that it is full of. Matt

Are we still on this :?

Well, you haven't fixed your signature line, yet. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

Ron

Whats wrong with it?
:wink:

"The Bottle"

A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man.

The note reads:
"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850iL and a Mercedes 600SL in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK."

A poor farmer has three sheep and one old ram. As the three sheep are not conceiving the farmer calls in the vet. Well, you have three options says the vet, a new ram or artificial insemination. "Sounds too costly," said the farmer, "but you said three options!"

"Yes," said the vet, "do it yourself."

The farmer was aghast. "How will I know if it works?"

"Well," said the vet, "if they roll around in the mud the morning after you have made love to them then they are not pregnant, however if they roll around in the hay, they are pregnant."

So, the next day the farmer takes the three sheep in his land rover and does the business. Next morning he calls to his wife, "What are the sheep doing love?"

"They are rolling in the mud, Jack."

So with a heavy heart he takes the three sheep in his land rover and once again does the business. Next morning, "What are the sheep doing love?"

Suspiciously she says, "They are rolling in the mud jack."

By now he's exhausted and puts the sheep in to the land rover and does the business. Next morning, "What are the sheep doing love?"

"Well this is very strange," she answers. "Two of them are in the back of the land rover and the other one is pipping the horn!"

Here are the real meanings behind the names of these 4wd manufacturers and their vehicles.

Most of these were created by me; at least give me credit when you plagiarise them. (Ok - but who the hell is he :?: )


Acura - Apparently Cheap U-joints Replaced Again

MDX - My Driveshaft Xploded

AM General - Apparently My Girth Enables Neophytes to End Rollovers At Last

Hummer - Huge Unwieldy Monster Mashes Every Rock

Asuna - Annoyingly Slow Under Normal Acceleration

BMW - Break My Windows / Bought My Wife

Buick - Butt-Ugly Imitation Cadillac Kitsch

Cadillac - Crashed After Driver Intercepted Low-Level Air Craft

Escalade - Embarrassed Stockbrokers Can Always Lie About Dead Electronics

Chevrolet - Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

Avalanche - After Victims Acquire Lease, Annoying Noises Constantly Heard Everywhere

Blazer - Bought Lemon; A Zillion Electrical Recalls

Silverado - Seized Injectors Lack Velocity; Exciting Roll Abruptly Detains Owner

Suburban - Stretched Useless Blazer Uses Rusty Bolts And Nails

Tahoe - Total Amateur Hates Onerous Electronics / Take A Hike, Or Else

Daihatsu - Damages Axles In Highly Advanced Technical Situations, Unfortunately

Rocky - Rolled Over Cliff; Keep Yanking

Dodge - Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

Dakota - Damned Amateurs, Keep Out of Tough Areas

Durango - Drives Unusually Rough And Never Goes Offroad

Ram - Replace All Motors / Really Awful Mechanicals

Ramcharger - Radiator And Motor Can't Handle A Relatively Gentle Easy Road

Ford - Forget Off Road Driving / Found On Rocks Disabled / Flip Over, Read Directions / or upside down: Driver Returns On Foot / Damaging Rust Overwhelms Frame

Bronco - Body Rust Overwhelms New Car Owner

Escape - Easy Sidehills Can Alter People's Expectations

Excursion - Expansive Xenophiliac's Cursed Urban Ride Slowly Impairs Owner's Neurons

Expedition - Exorbitant Xeroxed Product Embarrasses Driver Incessantly; Tow It Out Now

Explorer - Expansive Xeric Pastures Leave Our Ride Easily Rolled

Ranger - Retarded Accelleration Needlessly Gets Engine Roaring / Reverse And Neutral Gears Explode Rapidly

Geo - Gross Exhaust Odour

Tracker - Tough Road Action Creates Knocking Engine Rods

GMC - Got a Mechanic Coming? / Get My Come-along / Garbage Master Cylinder / or upside down: Couldn't Make the Grade / Corroding in My Garage

Denali - Docile Engine Needs A Little Injection

Envoy - Expensive New Vehicle Of Yuppies

Jimmy - Jump Into My Mother's Yacht

Sonoma - Suddenly Overturned Near Old Mainline Access

Yukon - Yelling Usually Keeps Owners Nonviolent

Holden - High Output Lights Drain Energy Notoriously

Frontera - Frightening Roll-Over Necessitates Training; Engine Rattles Annoyingly

Jackaroo - Junky Air Conditioning Keeps All Registered Owners Oblivous

Honda - Had One, Never Did Again

CRV - Crappy Recalled Vehicle / Crying Reveals Victim

Pilot - Painfully Inadequate Loser Overturns Truck

Hyundai - Help! Yells Unimpressed Newbie, Disappointed After Introduction

Santa Fe - Sluggish Automobile Notoriously Tepid And Fools Everyone / Sad Attempt Not Too Advanced, Fails Early

Isuzu - It Slowly Undermines Ziebart's Undercoating

Amigo - Aliens Might Investigate Grabbing One

Rodeo - Rides On Dry Earth Only

Trooper - Towing Recommended Out Of Pitifully Easy Rocks

Jeep - Just Enough Extra Parts / Jinxed Engine Eats Pistons / Jerks Exploring Every Pasture / Joke Electronics Exceptionally Poor / Just Empty Every Pocket

CJ - Cheap Junk / Children's Jeep / Childish Joke / Claim Jumper

Grand Cherokee - Grandmother's Ride Allows No Droop; Can't Hear Expensive Radio Over Knocking Engine and Exhaust (pic1) (pic2) (pic3)

Liberty - Laughable Inferior Box Easily Rolls, Terrifying You

MJ - My Junk / Motor's Junk / Mom's Jeep / Moronic Jerk

Scrambler - Sad Crawl Ratio Always Makes Boring Life Excitingly Real

Renegade - Rolls Easily, Negating Emergency Gear And Destroying Everything

TJ - Tomorrow's Junk / Tow Job / Try Jacking / Transmission Jammed / Total Joke

Wagoneer - Willfully Atrocious Garbage; Obviously No Engineering Expertise Required

XJ - Xeno Junk

YJ - Yesterday's Junk / You Jerk / Yuppy's Jeep

ZJ - Zero Juice / Zoological Joke

Kia - Keep It Away / Killed in Action / Know It All (Ayeee!)

Sportage - Stupid Psychotic Owner Roasts Transmission And Gets Embarrassed

Lada - Lost And Dumfounded Again

Niva - No Inherent Value at All

Land Rover - Laughing At New Driver, Rolled On Very Easy Road

County - Crazily-Overpriced Unit Normally Taxi's Yokels

Defender - Driver Easily Forgets Everything; Normally Disabled on Every Rock

Discovery - Driver Ignorant; Saves Cash to Own a Very Expensive Ride for Yuppies

Range Rover - Replace All New Gears Eventually; Risk Of Violently Exploding Rear

Lincoln - Lousy Incompetant Numbskull Crashes; Obviously Legally Negligent

Navigator - Not A Very Interested Glance At This Overpriced Ride

Mazda - Mindless Automaton Zipping Dangerously Along

MPV - Mind Painfully Vacant

Navajo - Not A Vehicle A Judge Owns

Tribute - Terrifying Roll Into Bushes Ultimately Totalled Exterior

Mercedes - Many Easily Roll & Careen Effortlessly Down Endless Slopes

ML - More Lift / Money Lost / Moronic Loser

Unimog - Uncomfortable Noisy Imposing Monstrosity Often Grinds

Mercury - My Easily-Rolled Car Usually Requires Yanking

Mountaineer - Man Overjoyed Until New Transmission And Injectors Negate Electronics, Exploding Rapidly

Mitsubishi - Mournfully I've Tried Spending Unlimited Bucks; I Still Hate It

Montero - My Overrated New Truck Easily Rolls Over

Pajero - Poorly-Assembled Junk; Engine Replaced Often

Nissan - Now I'm Stuck, Send Another Nissan

Pathfinder - People Assume These High-Flying Idiots Normally Drive Easy Roads

Patrol - Phone A Taxi; Ripped Off Leafs

Hardbody - Happy And Retarded Driver Basically Only Delivers Yuppies

Frontier - Foolish Registered Owner Needs To Investigate Engine Replacement

Murano - Many Unnecessary Repairs Aggravate New Owners

Xterra - Xtreme Terrain Easily Rolls Risky Auto

Oldsmobile - Overpriced Leisurely-Driven Sport-ute, Made Of Buick's Irregular Leftover Equipment / Oh Look Dear, Some Massive Oil-Burning Idiot's Leaking Everywhere

Bravada - Beats Riding A Very Ancient Dodge Aspen

Pontiac - Parting Out Now, Totalled It After Collision

Sunrunner - Some Unsuspecting Newbie Rolls Uncontrollably on Nice Normal Easy Roads

Saturn - Slow Americans Take Unmarked Roads Nowhere

Vue - Very Ugly Exterior / Very Useless Engine

Subaru - Something Usually Breaks And Renders it Useless

Brat - Beats Riding A Tricycle

Outback - Obviously Useless Transmission Breaks; Air Conditioning Kills

Suzuki - Slid Under Zooming Unimog; Killed Instantly

Grand Vitara - Grossly Restricted Articulation Normally Denotes Very Interesting Time At Rocky Areas

Samurai - Small Automobile Makes Urinals Really Appear Immense

Sidekick - Slow Ineffectual Deathtrap Endangers Kin In Collision Knockout

Tatra - Terrifyingly-Abominable Trash Receptable Approaches

Volvo - Very Old Lady's Vehicle Only

Laplander - Last And Probably Lowest-Achieving National Defense Emergency Ride

Willys - We Invariably Like Long Yank Straps / What Incompetent Losers Like, Yes Siree

To be fair: (and don't let me catch you posting this on your non-Toyota website! Yeah right :roll: )

Toyota - Tipped Over, Yanked Out To Asphalt

Highlander - Hopelessly Incompetent Grandpa Hates Lifts And Needs Daily Energy Ration

Land Cruiser - Lost And Needs Directions, Can't Return Until Idiot Searches Every Road

RAV4 - Really Awful Valueless 4wheeler

Tundra - Totally Uncoordinated New Driver Rolls Always

Some Land-Rover jokes

A body engineer from Land Rover goes on an exchange visit to Toyota in Japan and watches the engineers developing the latest Land Cruiser bodyshell. He notices that on the workbench they have a cat in a small cage and he asks what it's for. The Japanese engineer tells him when they have finished a Land Cruiser they lock a cat in it and go home. If the cat is dead when they return in the morning they know the shutlines on the doors are up to their high standards. The LR guy likes this idea and when he gets back to Solihull he takes a cat to work and locks it in a Defender and goes home for the night. When he returns in the morning the cat is gone.

***
Land Rovers are like women:
They leak when you don't want them to, moan on long journey's, embarrass you in front of friends and peers, and consume more money than you ever expected once you've commit yourself to one.
***
Did you hear about the man whose Land Rover didn't leak oil?
The factory took it back and worked on it until it did.
***
Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a Land Rover and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same.
He replied, "It doesn't matter which one you use, nothing happens !"
***
The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."
***
Lucas - "Inventor" of the first intermittent wiper.
***
Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.
***
Land Rover three position headlight switch - Dim, Flicker and Off.
***
The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.
***
"I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..."
***
If Lucas made guns, wars would not start...
***
Q: Why do the British drink warm beer?
A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators...


===

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.'So that was nice.

===

How to know when you're a Land Rover owner:

-If you go to get the Sunday paper and come back on Monday without it.

-If you use a hose to clean the inside and the outside.

-When the best route from point A to point B is through the mud.

-When a scratch or a dent is a beauty mark.

-You roll your Rover over and look for it's thingy.

-Your mom and sister can't get in without help.

-You judge every hill you see by how much fun it would be to climb.

-You search for trails in an USAF helicopter.

-You puke when you see a Geo Tracker.

-You get custom pin-striping from trail brush.

-If it takes more than 6 hours to get donuts.

-When you pull into the unplowed parking spots on snowy days.

-When you take your friends wheeling and they say "What trail -I don't see a trail!"

-Your friends won't ride with you 'cause they don't want to wind up in the desert in the middle of the night.

-When your boss's secretary calls to "recommend" that you wash your Rover

-When you finally wash the mud off, everyone thinks you bought a new Rover.

-You carry emergency supplies and clothing because you never know where you will end up.

-When your Nerf bars battle rocks and win.

-When it rains and you don't care that your tops and doors are off.

-When you drive around to look at Christmas lights topless.

-When you change your plugs in the parking lot at work on a break.

-If your "Parts Dept." is on blocks behind your house.

-When you take your Mom wheeling and she has to help you flip the Rover back onto its wheels again.

-You use an ice-scraper on the INSIDE of the windshield.

-You get more heat from holes in the floorboards than through the heater vents.

-Every page of your repair manual has fingerprints.

-Passengers scream "DON'T ROLL IT!" when you take them wheeling.

-You spend more time under your Rover than under your significant other.

-Winter comes and you can't remember where you left the roof.

-You spend more on car washes than on insurance.

-Even worse the car wash won't let you in.

-You complain about everything but smile when you fix everything yourself.

-When you think Mud Brown should be a factory paint color.

-When you feel sorry for someone in a $60,000 Toyota Land Cruiser.

-When you have all your credit card numbers memorized.

-When you slam the door and part of your Rover crumbles to the ground.

-If you get asked to pick up your co-workers in a snow storm and get paid for it.

-Your wife/girlfriend refuses to get in it.

-You are the only one on the street who doesn't plow their driveway.

-You try to run the plow trucks off the road when it snows.

-You have a high-water mark INSIDE the Rover.

-The first word out of your 2 year old's mouth isn't Mommy or Daddy, it's Rover!!!

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar
in
Sydney.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.
"Y'know," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
Why,
in
Glasgow, there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord
there
goes out of his way for the locals' so much that when you buy
four
drinks,
he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well," said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the
barman
there
will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhhh, that's nothin' " said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin
there's
Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy
you a
drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've
had
enough
drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on
the
house."

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately poured scorn on the
Irishman's
claims - but he swore every word was true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me self, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it
did
happen
to me sister." [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]