Jokes Thread

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by Knight
[b][size=18]<span style="color:green">*ST.PATS DAY*</span> Joke

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.

The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water." 8O


Cheers
Knight :wink:

This joke has 2 things in it's favour.

1. I hadn't heard it before.
2. It ****in hilarious :!:

[Disco123]

Little Blonde Girl

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy,
Mummy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could
only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.

"Yes, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all
the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E,
F, G!"

"Very good," said her mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

"Yes, It's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mummy, Mummy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"

She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.

"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.

"Is it because I'm blonde, Mummy?"

No, honey, It’s because you're 24.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

> A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple
> > bruises,two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his
> > throat.
> >
> > Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
> > "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a
> > difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture.
> >
> > We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one
> > of the cows had something white at its rear end."
> >
> > "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf
> > ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the
> > cow's
> > arse."
> >
> > Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks

> > like
> > yours!"
> >
> >
> > "I don't remember much after that..."

[incisor]

5000 men were quizzed why they enjoyed oral sex so much

3% responded that they enjoyed the warmth

4% responded that they enjoyed the sensation

93% responded that really they appreciated the silence..... :!:

go figure!

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by incisor
5000 men were quizzed why they enjoyed oral s*x so much

3% responded that they enjoyed the warmth

4% responded that they enjoyed the sensation

93% responded that really they appreciated the silence..... :!:

go figure!

Yep.

[Knight]

[size=18]<span style="color:blue">The Barber</span>

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long Before I can get a hair cut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

And the guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours." And the guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." And the guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour.

Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bill returned to the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house." 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[cewilson]

Army


A Service recruiter recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the Recruiter during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the messes for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other personnel." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their Troop Leader remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm quite satisfied with you. However, one of our Vehicle Mechanics's has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads "no". After the Tp Ldr had left, the leader of the cannibals asked the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the VM?" A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool...! For 4 weeks we've been eating snco's and officers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"

[cewilson]

The Best Genie Story
>
>
> A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course,
> the wife
> promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
> biggest
> house adjacent to the course.
>
> The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to
> go up
> there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive
> is going
> to cost us."
>
> So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A
> warm voice
> said, "Come on in."
>
> When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass
> was all
> over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side
> near the
> broken window.
>
> A large black man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people
> that
> broke my window?"
>
> Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.
>
> Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You
> see, I'm a
> genie, and ! I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand
> years. Now
> that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
> give you
> each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for
> myself."
>
> Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and
> blurted out,
> I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
>
> No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can
> do. And
> I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady,
> what do
> you want?" the genie asked. I'd like to own a gorgeous home
> complete with
> servants in every country in the world," she said.
>
> Consider it done, "the genie said. "And your homes will always be
> safe from
> fire, burglary and natural disasters!"
>
> And now," the couple asked in unison, "What's your wish, genie?"
> Well,
> since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a
> woman in more
> than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife!"
>
> The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we
> both now
> have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"
>
> She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're
> right.
> Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what
> about you,
> honey?"
>
> "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the
> same for
> you!"
>
> So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest
> of the
> afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.
>
> After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and
> looked
> directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"
>
> Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.
>
> No Kidding." he said, "Thirty-five years old and both of you still
> believe
> in genies?"

[DeeJay]

Two cannibals found a shipwreck victim washed ashore, barely alive.
One of them finished him off and then both got into a heated argument over who ate what parts.
The first argued he found him and the second said he did the finishing off part.
After a long argument, they both agreed that they were just too hungry and started eating, one from each end.
The first cannibal was soon into the heart and could not contain his joy, saying "I am into the heart and it's great, how are you going"
The second cannibal said 'I'm having a ball"

[disco95]

Even cannibles like their meat and 2 veg :wink: