Jokes Thread

[cewilson]

An elderly couple were attending a church service, about halfway through
she leans over and says, " I just did a silent fart, what do you think I
should do?"


He replies " Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[cewilson]

>>>>((((RING)))) ((((RING)))) **Pick Up**
>>>>
>>>>"Hello?"
>>>>
>>>>"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
>>>>
>>>>"No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
>>>>
>>>>After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
>>>>Paul."
>>>>
>>>>"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
>>>>
>>>>Brief Pause "Uh, okay then, . . . this is what I want you do. Put the
>>>>phone
>>>
>>>>down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and
shout
>>>>to
>>>
>>>>Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>>>>
>>>>"Okay Daddy, just a minute." A few minutes later, the little girl comes
>>>>back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
>>>>
>>>>"And what happened honey?"
>>>>
>>>>"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no
>>>>clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug,
>>>>hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>>>>
>>>>"Oh my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
>>>>
>>>>"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and
>>>>he
>>>>jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool.
>>>>But, I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to
>>>>clean
>>>>it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
>>>>
>>>>***Long Pause***
>>>>
>>>>***Longer Pause***
>>>>
>>>>Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?!? ...Is this 4699 7531??"

[cewilson]

Kids are great!

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who
thinks they're stupid, stand up!"




After a few seconds, Little Davie stood up. The teacher
said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Davie?"





"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!"





**************





Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed
cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he
asked.





"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began
removing the cream with a tissue.





"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"





***************

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concer ned that
his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ
because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He
wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus
occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked
his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."
Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."
Little Davie, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I
know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"
The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long
seconds. Finally, he gathered his wits and asked Little
Davie how he knew this.





Little Davie said, "Well... every morning, my father gets
up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, "Jesus Christ,
are you still in there?!"





****************

The math teacher saw that little Davie wasn't paying
attention in class. She called on him and said, "Davie!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"





Little Davie quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the
Cartoon Network!"





***************

Little Davie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to
their local police station where they saw pictures tacked
to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of
the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really
was the photo of a wanted person.





"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly
to capture him."





Little Davie asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took
his picture?"






***************

Little Davie attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running
his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Davie asked, "Dad, why are you doing
that?"





His father replied, "Becaus e when I'm buying horses, I have
to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before
I buy."





Davie, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy
wants to buy Mom

[Knight]

2 Jokes for all............

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

:roll: +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke Without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.
She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening"

"You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life." 8O 8O 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

yeeeuck !

[Knight]

A Pacific cruise liner sinks leaving just three fortunate survivors; Tim,
John and Daisy. All three swim to a nearby tropical island and live there
for a couple of years doing what comes naturally!!
Daisy feels so bad about having sex with both Tim and John at the same time that she ends up taking her own life.

Sad for Tim and John but they get over it and again, nature takes its course!!!

After a couple more years the lads feel really bad about what they are
doing ............................... so they bury her!! 8O 8O

(i know - a bit sad that one........)

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[FenianEel]

Speaking of ships........

A ship is at sea with a class of school children who have a won a trip sponsored by Michael Jackson.

Suddenly it hits a rocky outcrop, has a huge hole in its side and starts taking on water and is going to sink. The order to abandon ship is given and panic ensues.

The Captain hollars for the life boats, and yells "Women and children first"
The school teacher jumps in one of the boats and says
"oh *%&$ the children"
Michael Jackson looks at the hole in the ship and says "have we got time?"

[FenianEel]

Happy ending though.....
THey found MJ 3 days later in the middle of the ocean, he was stuck to a Boy.

[drivesafe]

THE POKER PLAYER


Two couples were playing poker one evening.
John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.
When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any
underwear under her dress!
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again,
hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.
Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything
that you liked under there?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously
admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial
and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.
She tells him that since her husband Bill works
Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should
be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at
Bill's house at 2 p.m.sharp and after paying Sue the
agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed
their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon
entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John
come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes,
he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband
curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found
out and after mustering her best poker face, replied,
"Wel l, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised
his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. He came by the office
this morning and borrowed $500 from me.
He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT is a poker player !

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue">Brokeback Mountain</span>

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the
doctor's office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the
bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc,What
can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
Sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot Sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts Cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."
The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure Me,
Doc?"

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what Your
@ss is FOR!! 8O :roll:

(I'm sure it's been around for a while this joke)

CHeers
Knight :wink: