Jokes Thread

[RichardK]

The story of sheep...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:

* You have two sheep.

* You sell one and buy a ram.

* Your flock multiplies, and the economy grows.

* You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: (Workchoices&#33

* You have two sheep.

* You sell one, and force the other to produce the wool of four sheep.

* You are surprised when the sheep drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* You go on strike because you want three sheep.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary sheep

and produce 20 times the wool.

* You then create clever sheep cartoon images called Sheepkimon and

market them worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and

shear themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* Both die from foot and mouth.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep, but you don't know where they are.

* You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* You count them and learn you have five sheep.

* You count them again and learn you have 42 sheep.

* You count them again and learn you have 12 sheep.

* You stop counting sheep and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION:

* You have 5,000 sheep, none of which belong to you.

* You charge others for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* You have 300 people shearing them.

* You claim full employment, high productivity, and arrest the newsman

who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION:

* You have two sheep.

* That one on the left is kinda cute...

[Knight]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”



Cheers
Knight

[incisor]

reading some of the google adlinks that come up under these things can tickle the funny bone as well....

[Disco_Drivin_Dude]

reading some of the google adlinks that come up under these things can tickle the funny bone as well....

Your not wrong there. After reading your post Inc, I looked at the Google adlink thing and this is where it sent me...

http://www.uugiftstore.com/index.php?cPath=61_62&ref=2

Bad enough people buy them, but who the bloody hell comes up these ideas for pills?

[Grizzly_Adams]

This had me in tears

http://members.optushome.com.au/evan.../novemacje.wmv

Filesize is 2.32Mb so a warning for those on dialup. On the upside though, it's worth the wait

[Knight]

5,000 men were asked to complete a survey on what THEY liked best about "Oral S*x":

a.. 3% liked the warmth.
b.. 4% enjoyed the sensation.
c.. 93% appreciated the silence.

In a new s*x survey they found that 18 percent of people had s*x four or more times a week.


Now here is the interesting part. That number drops to 3 percent when you add the phrase, "With a partner."


Cheers
Knight

[Disco300Tdi]

The world's shortest fairy tale:

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said,
"No" and the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing,
drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook, stayed skinny
and farted whenever she wanted.

The end

[Jojo]

A man walks into a bar and orders ten Lager, drinks them and drops down to the floor. A short time before closing, a gay couple walks in and asks the barkeeper if they may take the drunken guy with them. The barkeeper just nods and off they walk, carrying the drunken along.
Next day the same happens... and the next... and the next...

After about one week the man walks into the bar again and instead of the usual ten Lager he orders ten Bitter. The barkeeper wonders and asks what the reason is.
"Well," the man replies, "I always wake with a burning sensation in my bum after having drunken some Lager..:"

Cheers, mates!

[DEFENDERZOOK]

> What Religion is Your Bra?
>
> A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to
> the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
> What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
> Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
> Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every
> shape, size, color and material imaginable.
>
> Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types
> of bras to choose from.
> Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:
> There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the
> Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?
>
> Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
> The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
>
> The Catholic type supports the masses.
> The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
> The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and
> The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
>
> Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters
> used to define bra sizes?
> If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood
> for, it is about time you became informed!
>
> (A} Almost Boobs...
> {B} Barely there.
> {C} Can't Complain!
> {D} Dang!
> {DD} Double dang!
> {E} Enormous!
> {F} Fake.
> {G} Get a Reduction.
> {H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !
>
> Send this to all that will appreciate it!
>
> They forgot the German bra.
>
> Holtzemfromfloppen
>

[RichardK]

9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.
3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?