Jokes Thread

[RichardK]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today
than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be
a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and
absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.*

[Knight]

The other day, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again. My relief was short lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy's egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?
Then the marketer in me took over!
I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home. . . :wink: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

<span style="color:green">you have a marketer in you........?</span> 8O

[incisor]

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of university, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

8O

[RichardK]

A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this bank is
installing new"Drive-through" teller machines. Customers using this new
facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing
their accounts.

MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful
research.


MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

5. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Set parking brake, put the window down

4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Turn the radio down.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to its
excessive distance from the vehicle.

8. Insert card.

9. Reinsert card the right way up.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check make up in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Recheck make-up again.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided.

23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull away.

25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

26. Release Parking Brake

[Knight]

CORPORATE LESSON

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower & the doorbell rings.
After a few seconds of arguing over who should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $ 800 just to drop that towel that you have on".
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. Bob has a close look at her for a few
seconds, hands over $800 and quietly leaves.

Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her
husband asks from the shower "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure! 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[DEFENDERZOOK]

Originally posted by Knight
CORPORATE LESSON



MORAL OF THE STORY: Share critical credit information with your
stakeholders to prevent avoidable exposure! 8O

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[size=18][b]<span style="color:green">i wonder if vlad is taking notes.......?</span>

[RichardK]

These are GOLD!

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in
Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade, in Ohio.
They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read
carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling!
Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us
adults and therefore no time to war or argue.

-----------------------------------------------------

Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live
elsewhere.

------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses
went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he
ever reached Canada but his commandos made it.

------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He
was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It
sounds like he was sort of busy too.

------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.

------------------------------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career
suffered a dramatic decline.

------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they
show on TV now.

------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."

------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French
still have problems.

------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was
the circulation of blood.

------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.

------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.

------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made
much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote
Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered
electricity by rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse
divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built
with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career.

------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster
which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach
was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was
half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He
took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing
by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
to spring up.

------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.

------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why

------------------------------------------------------
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the
Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials
to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just
24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.

------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do
what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they
didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in
the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.

[Knight]

A lonely spinster, aged 81, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED,
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON


On the second day she heard the doorbell. . .

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?

Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,

"I rang the doorbell didn't I?" 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Grizzly_Adams]

APOLOGY!!!

*_News just in!!!_*

After years of making millions from one song, sixties band, The Animals, have issued a worldwide apology......

Apparently, there ISN'T a house in New Orleans!!!!