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An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.
On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
During a recent password audit by our company, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:
MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy
When asked why such a big password, she said she was told it had to be at least 8 characters
PS: If you're blonde and don't get it, just pass this on and don't give it another thought, bless your little heart.
Two medical students were walking along the street whenthey saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. Hewas stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old manhas Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old mansurely has Zovitzki
Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legsare apart just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him:
"We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the wayyou walk, but we couldn't agreeon the syndrome you
mighthave. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me whatyou two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think its Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought....... But you are wrong."
So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was a Fart........ ..............But I was wrong, too!"
CONFESSION… THE ITALIAN WAY
An elderly Italian man who lived onthe outskirts ofRimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: 'Father ..... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
> The priest replied: 'That was wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'
> 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
> The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you
are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question..'
'And what is that?' asked the priest.
>
> 'Should I tell her the war is over ?''
I recently picked a new primary care doctor.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age.. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'No... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a damn?
Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing
ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take
us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least
35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old
guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000
additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are
impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it
will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get
up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't
sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical
son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and
yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for
guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away
from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and
didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I
ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen
anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave,
to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that
a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more
about life before sending them off into harm's way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing
an enemy would want to see is a couple of million ****ed off old farts with
attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already
behind them.
***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have
attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the
first night!
Atlanta Airport
You gotta love this one... Southerners can be so polite!
Atlanta
ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 522 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised."
Atlanta ATC: "Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great."
Pause...
Saudi Air: " ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC"
Atlanta ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 511."
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.."
Atlanta ATC: "Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah "hey" for us --
A HILLBILLY LOVE POEM
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER..
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
***************************
Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?
An Australian man from the outback married an Irish girl. On their wedding night she found him stacking all the furniture (bed included) up against the walls leaving a big empty space in the middle of the room. She asked him why he was doing this. The Aussie explained that he had never been intimate with a woman before but if it was anything like being intimate with a kangaroo he figured that they would need all the space they could get.Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosco
Joined a wife swapping club last week. I now have a new lawn mower.