Jokes

Found this on Defender2.net and just had to pass it on.


What did the farmer say to his flying sheep dog?














Land rover!


:D

Are you a Democrat, Republican or .....a Southern Republican ?

Here is a little test that will help you decide........

Question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes on you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire h im to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his
hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this
send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he would be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he
was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and
weed day and
make this a happier, healthier street
that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing! ! I need to debate this with some friends for few
days and try to come to a consensus.


Republican's Answer:

.........BANG!


Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click.....(sounds of reloading).

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

click

Daughter:

"Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?

Check out his site

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FdSaWW9vuow"]YouTube- For The Love Of Mrs. Brown Sample[/ame]

Edit - already fixed.

To post a YouTube video or any webiste including other AULRO pages copy the address from the address bar in your browser and paste it. No need to put any tags around it.

eg. www google com without the spaces becomes Google

A man is wandering aimlessly around the Chemist store, and is noticed by an assistant.

So, she rushes over and asks: "Hello sir, can I help you?"

"Uh, yeah." replies the man. "I'm looking for some de-odorant. Do you have any?"

"Certainly sir." she replies. "Would you like ball, or aerosol..............?"

The man stammers: "Oh!, no no no. I just want some for under my arms."

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
>
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
>
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
>
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories
could become, asked the girl to describe the incident..
>
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
>
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
>
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!,Ffffff," but before she could say 'F*** Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
>
The teacher had to leave the room.

A little boy is playing on the side of the road pouring liquid from 1 glass to another..

A priest walks up and asks the boy what he's doing,

Im playing with acid reply's the boy.

Thats very Dangerous, why dont I swap my holy water for your acid say's the priest,

Why would I want to do that says the boy..

The priest say's my holy water has special powers,..Why just the other day I rubbed the holy water on a ladies tummy and the next day she passed a child..

Thats nothing says the boy, just a while ago I rubbed acid on a dogs balls and he passed the bloke riding his motor bike up the street..





Cheers Ean

August 31 -

Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in
Darwin, Northern Territory . Now this is a town that knows how to
live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the
sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've
finally found my new home. I love it here.


September 13 -
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in
air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to
see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th -
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms
and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I
love it here.


October 10th -
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to
this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off
a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I expected.


October 15th -
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect
the ol' sun in a climate like this.


October 20th -
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for
work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty
had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh*t. I've
learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.


October 25 -
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant flamin' blow dryer. And
it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the
repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order
parts from flamin Perth ....





October 30th -
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for
the flamin aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights
now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did
I ever come here?


November 4 -
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel
about 30. Stupid repairman.


November 8 -
If one more smart *rse says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to
flamin throttle him. flamin heat! By the time I get to work, the car's
radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking flamin wet and I smell
like baked cat!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my flamin *rse was on
fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs
and my flamin *rse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried *rse and
baked cat!


November 10 -
Weather report! It might as well be a flamin recording. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and flamin sunny! It's been too hot to do anything
for two flamin months and the weatherman says it might really warm up
next week.

November 15 -
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn flamin place? Water restrictions will
be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the
flamin pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the
flamin flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing
half a dozen of the buggers!


November 20th -
Welcome to HELL! It got to 39 flamin degrees today. Now the air
conditioners gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said,
'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment
to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid flamin flamin
Darwin! What kind of sick, demented flamin idiot would want to live
here!



December 1 -

WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!!

You are flamin kidding!

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 ..45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex