Jokes

A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door. It's opened by a little twelve year-old boy who has a lit cigar in one hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under his arm. The salesman say, "Hello, son. Is your mum or dad home?" The little boy responds, "What the hell do you think?"

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the little dog realises that he is lost. Wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard "that was close, that dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes but the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" Instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."

An old nun

who was living in a convent next to a construction site

noticed the coarse language of the workers

and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.



She decided she would take her lunch,

sit with the workers and talk with them.




She put her sandwich in a brown bag

and

walked over to the spot where the men were eating.




She walked up to the group and with a big smile said:

"and do you men know Jesus Christ?"




They shook their heads and looked at each other very confused.




One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,




"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"




One of the steelworkers yelled down




'why'?




The worker yelled back,

"Cos his sheila’s here with his lunch"

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:


GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''


BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

A man went on a night out with his mates to a strip club(very understanding wife). There was food served during the performance. Our hero had a bowl of chicken noodle soup. One of the performers came to his table to give a nice close up performance. Unfortunately one of her assets accidentally plopped into his soup. When he got home his very understanding wife asked him how his night went." Very well" came the reply. Next she asked him what he had to eat. "Chicken Nipple Soup", came the reply.

spudfan thats the worst joke ever.

No it's not. You should here some of the other ones!

BOB AND THE BLONDE...........

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sportsbar at around 9.58pm.He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the tv.
The 10pm news ws coming on, the news crew was covering a story of a man perched on a ledge of a very high building, preparing to jump :eek:

The blonde looked at Bob and said "Do you think he'll jump ?"

Bob said, " You know, I bet he'll jump"

The blonde replied "well I bet he won't"
Bob placed a $20 note on the bar and said "You're on"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge took a swan dive and fell to his death :(

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 note to Bob, "Fair's Fair, here's your money "

Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5pm news so I knew he would jump "

The blonde replied, " I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again"


Bob took the money..............:beer:

https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...10/03/1076.jpg


While sewing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old Aussie farmer, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Kevin Rudd and his role as our Prime Minister. The old farmer said, 'Well, you know, in my opinion Doc, Rudd is a 'Post Turtle''. Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was. The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle". The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just have to wonder what kind of dumb bastard put him up there in the first place."

I had just walked out of the pub with a meat pie with potato, some chips and a jumbo sausage and sauce, when a poor homeless man sitting in the gutter said to me, "I have not eaten nothing for 2 days." I said " I wish I had your will power".

Paddy is walking down the road eating a bag of doughnuts. Murphy meets Paddy and says "If I can guess how many doughnuts you have in the bag can I have one?"
Paddy says "If you can guess how many doughnuts are in the bag you can have them both."
Murphy says "Four?"