Jokes

Two Irishmen were standing by a flagpole, in Dublin looking up. A blonde woman walked by and asked what they were doing. We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Patrick "but we don't have a ladder."

The blonde woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Shaun shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a blonde!

We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Vampire Bat

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood & began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to **** off & let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "OK, follow me", he said & flew out of the cave with hundreds of excited bats behind him. Down through a valley they went across a river & into a huge forest. Finally he slowed down & all other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood. "Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked. YES, YES, YES!!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy. "Good for you!" said the first bat, "Because I didn't."

Go you good thing!

Here's a quote from a government employee who witnessed a recent
interaction between an elderly woman and an antiwar protester in a
train station in Sydney

There were protesters on the train platform handing out pamphlets on the evils of Australia. I politely declined to take one.

An elderly woman was behind me getting off the escalator and a young (20ish) female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely declined.

The young protester put her hand on the old woman's shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice said, "Lady, don't you care about the children of Iraq?"

The old woman looked up at her and said, "Honey, my father died in France during World War II, I lost my husband in Korea, and a son in Vietnam. All three died so you could have the right to stand here and bad mouth our country. If you touch me again. I'll stick this umbrella up your backside and open it."

God Bless Australia!!

None of that Sissy Crap
Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good,
but never actually come close to reality?
Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be untill you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end.

"Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

What is Old?
>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"

>>"OLD" IS WHEN.. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN. A sexy babe catches your eye and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN.... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as
you don't have to go along.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by... the doctor instead of by the police.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN.... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any
fiber today.

>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
>>
>>"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.

Then I caught her spending:
$65.00 on make-up, $150 for a cut & color, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure, $50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and $600 for a gym membership

I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.

She said she needed it to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

THE AUSTRALIAN APPROACH

A young Aussie country lad moved to the big smoke and went looking for a job.
The manager asked "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered "Yeah, I was a salesman back home."
The manager liked the liked so he gave him the job.
His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"

The young lad said "One."
The manager groaned and continued "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?

" ....... $ 124,237.64."

The manager choked and exclaimed $ 124,237.64 DOLLARS What the hell did you sell him?"

"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the "Landrover Discovery".

The manager, incredulous, said "You mean to tell me....a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and Landrover?"

"No no no......he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said.........

'Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing and four wheel driving."

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood
>
> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter
> Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies
>
> "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in
> groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney Captain
> at training
>
> Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids
> during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the
> clubs that we went to."
>
> "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of
> what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird
>
> Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the
> same, just darker."
>
> Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it
> with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know
> and I don't care.'
>
> Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to
> kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."
>
> "Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago"(Dermott
> Brereton)
>
> "Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark
> Williams)
>
> "He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run
> of play." (Dermott Brereton)
>
> "We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
> they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)
>
> "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
> (Luke
> Darcy)
>
> "That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which
> was identical." (Dermott Brereton)
>
> "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane
> Wakelin)
>
> "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of
> them serious." (Adrian Anderson)
>
> "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same
> thing again."(Andrew Demetriou)
>
> "I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but
> there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)
>
> "I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a
> lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)
>
> Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?"
> David Swartz: "On what?"
>
> "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Dermott
> Brereton)
>
> "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air
> for even longer."(Dermott Brereton)

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and
says to her husband, "I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly - pay me
a compliment".

The husband replies, "your eyesight's perfect".

The Top Ten "Old West" Phrases That Will Never Sound The Same
After That, Gay Cowboy Movie....

1. "I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"
2. "Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"
3. "Don't fret---I've been in tight spots before."
4. "Howdy, pardner."
5. You stay here while I sneak around from behind."
6. Two words: "Saddle Sore."
7. "Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeal slow-like."
8. "Let's mount up!"
9. "Nice spread ya got there!"
10. "Ride'em cowboy!"