Jokes

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eevo

replace bill with any other MP

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.' 'Oh', said the man.
'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, Indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Bill Shorten's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'

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Donald Trumps clock is on the heavenly helicopter. ..

I'm trying to write a book about dump sites in Australia.
Has anyone got any tips?

At the this week's meeting of British Medical Professionals, there was a furious debate as to whether the BMP should pass a motion supporting Brexit. The allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought May had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. A pathologist yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing while the plastic surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no, in the end, the proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the parliamentary ... well, never mind.

I think my wife might be secretly dealing drugs.
There was a suspicious phone call this morning which I answered.
A male voice asked, "has that dope gone yet?".

I opened a window and influenza.

DL

When my wife left, I was sad, upset & lonely. Since then I've got a dog, bought a new motorbike, shagged 2 women & blown a grand on drugs & drink. She'll go bloody mental when she gets home from work.

:Rolling::Rolling:

Not bad for a morning's work Go.

BTW. Have you got the contact details for the 2 Shagees?

What sort of dog is it?[smilebigeye]

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts & a diamond. By the end you wish you had a club & a spade [bigwhistle]

AHhhhhhhhhh NOOOOOOooooooooo! Not another Eevo Mk2?[biggrin]

The cops just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes.

Honestly, I'm kind of surprised. I certainly didn't teach them this, and my dogs don't even OWN bikes.