Jokes

Our 2 year old granddaughter just came out with a soft toy stuffed up her jumper and announced she had a baby girl named Fred. Gotta love kids. [emoji16]

https://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/201...82e0cc3e5d.jpg

Then she told us to be quiet because Fed was sleeping.

That probably explains Meghan Markle's situation. Meghan who?[smilebigeye]

A couple are walking down the street when the bloke's arm falls off. The wife says, "You don't drink enough water."

Quote:

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No. 2 on the head, and 5 on the beard = $28
That includes a cut-throat razor shave around the neck area, hot towel rub and great atmosphere.
If you go in on a Friday, you get a free beer, too!
Oh, and it's an all female crew, as well!

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I suppose that sounds like a good deal, provided said female staff don't partake of said beer prior to said staff using the said cut-throat around your said neck, Sweeney Todd stylee.

"OOPS, here is another one to bung down in the cellar, Michelle. How many is that today, 6 ?". [smilebigeye]

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.....

Did you hear about the bloke who complained his wife could hear him drop a crumb in the kitchen from 50 metres away, but her car looked like a Starbucks had exploded in it?

I was at Coles this afternoon, and saw some bloke and a woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said, " are you two an item?".

The inventor of Morse code sadly passed away yesterday.
Dashes to dashes, dots to dots.

replace bill with any other MP

A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, 'What are all those clocks?' St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.' 'Oh', said the man.
'Whose clock is that?' 'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St. Peter. 'The hands have never moved, Indicating that she never told a lie.'
'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?' St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved Twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.'
'Where's Bill Shorten's clock?' asked the man.
St Peter replied, 'Jesus has it in his office. He uses it as a ceiling fan.'