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A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have a terrible problem with gas, but it doesn’t bother me much.”
My farts are always silent and never smell. I probably farted 15 times since I’ve been here, and you didn’t realize it.
The doctor says, “Interesting. Why don’t you take these pills and come see me in a week?”
The old lady returns in a week and says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me. My farts are still silent, but my God, they stink!!”
The doctor says, “Excellent. Now that your sinuses are cleared, let’s work on your hearing.”
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-So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
-A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store.
-Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.
-Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the "P" is silent.
-What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
-Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines everywhere!
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How do you trap a polar bear?
Cut a hole in the ice. Put peas around it. When the polar comes to take a pea, kick him in the ice hole.
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A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"
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My friend took his Grandad to one of those fancy Health Spas, where tiny little fish eat all the dead skin.
It cost him $350 but it was a lot cheaper than a funeral...
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Uh Oh!
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client.
"Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between $15 and $20 million ... and I think she could be right."
Saul replied enthusiastically, "Holy cow! Well done! My wife is a brilliant business woman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you and your secretary......"
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Quickie in the Bushes
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of
breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen
minutes left, would you care to do it again?'
He asks her 'Shall we?'
She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's
change positions. This time, I 'll hold the
pigeon down and you **** on its head.'
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING???
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From the USA:
The number of physicians in the US is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.
(US Dept. of Health & Human Services)
The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
The number of accidental gun deaths per year is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times
more dangerous than gun owners.
NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN,
BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat.
We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand.
As a public health measure, I have withheld the statistics
on lawyers for fear that the shock could cause people to seek medical attention.
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To my American friends:
If you think that Mexico is only sending drug dealers and rapists and worry that Mexicans are going to take your job...
What the hell do you do for a living?
