Jokes

Bob went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under...you got to help me, I'm going crazy!""Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." Said the psychiatrist. “It’s $100 a visit”"I'll sleep on it," said Bob.Six months later the doctor met Bob on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist."For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.""Is that so! How?""He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cuppabillytea

And they refuse to work day shifts.

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Saw a comic strip once where a person about to be bitten by a vampire points out that moonlight is actually reflected sunlight. The vampire looks puzzled, then turns to dust. The caption is something like, 'It's always helpful to know science.'

I picked up a hitchhiker recently.

He seemed surprised that I’d pick up a complete stranger. “Thanks, but why would you pick me up? For all you know, I could be a serial killer."

I said to him “The chances of having two serial killers in the one car would be astronomical."

I was such an ugly Kid , when i played in the sancbox the cat kept covering me up . [bawl]

I was so noisy as a kid my mum was always looking for a place to put me where she could get a bit of peace and quiet...... you know the little light does go off when you close the door.

There was once a sheep farmer who had a French farm hand working with him to help castrate his sheep. As the farmer castrated the sheep, the French farm hand took the parts and was about to throw them into the trash. "No!" yelled the farmer "Don't throw those away! My wife fries them up and we eat them, they're delicious! They're called sheep fries!" The farm hand saved the parts and took them to the farmer's wife who cooked them up for supper. This went on for three days... and each evening they had sheep fries for supper. On the fourth night the farmer came in to the house for supper. He asked his wife where the farm hand was and she replied "It's the strangest thing! When he came in and asked what was for supper, I told him French Fries and he ran like hell!"

An old man asks his wife: "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"


Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"


Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"


Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he performed the surgery at no charge."


"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."


"Alright," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"

Philosophy : If you have to think about thinking, and read what others have written about the nature of thinking, before you yourself begin to think, then I think that the way you think, needs a bit more thought.

One day, Usain Bolt goes into a country club.


When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."


Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt !"


"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."

After finishing dinner in a restaurant, the wife told her husband, "give some tip to the waiter".


Husband called the waiter and told:


"Don't get married!"