Jokes

A young accountant notices one of the barmaids at the pub near his office is rather attractive and apparently unattached. One Friday night after work, emboldened by several glasses of Vitamin B, he asks her out. To his surprise, she accepts. The date goes well, and they are soon very much coupled-up, decide to get married, and set the date.

Then one night on the news, the federal election date is announced for the day of their wedding. Talk turns to politics, and to their mutual horror, they discover that while she is a staunch Labour supporter, he is a dyed-in-the-wool Liberal. After some serious discussion, they decide their love for each other is greater than their political differences, and decide to go ahead, and just not talk about politics.

Come the big day, they each go off early and separately to vote, and the day rolls on. The ceremony in a local church goes well, with no mention of politics. After photos in the park, they roll up for the reception and all is going great until the two fathers make some political comments in their speeches. A furious row develops, and the venue staff have to break up some scuffles between the two families.

The couple force smiles as they leave for the hotel, but as soon as they're out of sight the argument erupts again with a vengeance.
At the hotel, getting ready for bed, the groom realises his political views come second to his physical needs, so he swallows his anger and tries to make things up. Unfortunately his bride is having none of it, and they lie in bed back to back, wordless.

After a while, the wife also realises that this is silly, and no way to spend their wedding night, so she rolls over, taps him on the shoulder, and says:
"You know, if a Liberal member were to stand, I believe he'd get in unopposed".

The groom sighs, and replies "I'm sorry honey, but I stood as an Independent, and lost my deposit".

As a rule, I don't pass along these "add your name" lists that appear in emails,
BUT, this one is important.

It has been circulating for months and has been sent to over 20 million people.
We don't want to lose any names on the list so just hit forward and send it on.

Please keep it going!.

To show your support for Kevin Rudd please go to the end of the list and add your name.



























1. Mrs Rudd.
2.

After having their 11th child, an Australian couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children..

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."


"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Ireland ..

Make Sense?

I cross ocean,
poor and broke,

Take bus,
see employment folk.

Nice man
treat me good in there,
Say I need
go see Welfare.

Welfare say,
"You come no more,

We send cash
right to your door."

Welfare checks,
they make you wealthy,

Medicaid
it keep you healthy!

By and by,
Got plenty money,

Thanks to you,
TAXPAYER dummy.

Write to friends
in motherland,

Tell them
'come, fast as you can'

They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,

I buy big house
with welfare bucks.

They come here,
we live together,

More welfare checks,
it gets better!

Fourteen families,
they moving in,

But neighbor's patience
wearing thin.

Finally, white guy
moves away,

I buy his house,
and then I say,

"Find more aliens
for house to rent."

In my yard
I put a tent.

Send for family
they just trash,
...
But they, too,
draw welfare cash!

Everything is
very good,
Soon we own
whole neighborhood.

We have hobby
it called breeding,

Welfare pay
for baby feeding.

Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?

We get free!
We got no bills!

TAXPAYER crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.

We think Australia
darn good place!
Too darn good
for white man race.

If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room
in Pakistan.

SEND THIS TO EVERY
TAXPAYER YOU KNOW

:wasntme:

My Private Part Died Today

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his
life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed.
Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Goldstein, "My Private
Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes
a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down
the hall with his Private Part hanging out of his
pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Goldstein," she said, "You shouldn't be walking
down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part
back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Goldstein, "I told you
yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out
of your pajamas?" asked Nurse Tracy.

"Well," he replied. "Today's the viewing"

An Irishman, an Australian and a Kiwi are in a bar when they look around a see a man behind them drinking a beer, they all recognise him but are stuffed if they can remember his name. Then the Irishman say "Faith n Begorrah It's Jesus". " So it is' says the Aussie. The Irishman buys him a Guinness, the Aussie buys him a Fosters and the Kiwi buys him a Red Lion. Jesus nods his thanks to the three men and drinks all three beers, after which he gets up and shakes the hand of the Irishman and thanks him. Paddy says "I can't believe, after 20 years all me arthritis in me hands and wrists is gone, thank you Jesus!". He then shakes the Aussies hand and Dave says, "Strueth, it's a miricle, after 30 years all my back pain is gone,thanks Jesus your a sport!"
He then approaches the Kiwi and he backs off with his hands up, to which Jesus replies "whats wrong my son". The Kiwi replies "Don't touch me, I'm on sickness benifits eh' bro!:D

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realises the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and he doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 100kmh.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred.

"So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there - the Mayor?" Cop: "Bigger." Chief: "Governor?" Cop: "Bigger." "Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?" Cop: "I think it's God!" Chief: "What makes you think it's God?" Cop: "He's got the Pope as his chauffeur!"

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire.

So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!"

He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us".

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside.

He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Oh man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read... 'NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN'