Jokes

This one has to be told in the first person.
When you are with a reasonable group I've found works best.

A couple of weeks ago when I was up at Newcastle (pick any town) I'm standing at the bar after the mates had left when a pretty good looking woman comes over and orders a drink. Anyway we get talking, I suppose she was around 40 - 45 but really good looking, a bit of a stunner really, we had a few more drinks and were really deep in conversation when she asked me if I'd ever had a sportsmans trophy? I suppose I was a bit naive, thinking it was a drink I admitted I hadn't and actually didn't know what one was.

She said to me tonight is your lucky night, a sportsmans trophy is a mother, daughter combo. As you can imagine this really got my attention, anyway we head back to her place she opens the door and we go in. As we go in she paused at the bottom of the stairs and shouts -





















"Mum are you still awake"







Martyn
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D

An Amish Farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with one hand.


The Amish Farmer shouts: "Trinken Sie nicht das Wasser, die Kuhe und die Schweine haben in ihm geschissen!"

Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows and the pigs have **** in it!"

The man shouts back: "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your gibberish. Speak English, filthy Infidel!"

The Amish Farmer shouts back in English:

"Use both hands, you'll get more water"

From my inbox from a guy whos so PC he makes the current situation look like the 60's when it was legal to own an abbo complete with a speil about how its inappropriate for us to be a nation in which the following is considered funny, I'll spare you the page long spiel and I deleted the 2 with the swear words.

I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment. They have 3
little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
so I thought I would just write to you while the kettle boils.
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Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia.He has
only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school
along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and
only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video its
hilarious.
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I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank. Gee , did I give her a mouthful
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Been to the optometrist today, he told me I was colour blind.
I'm worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are,
can you delete my number?
- -----------------------------
A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital. Nurse tells him to bath a newborn
aboriginal baby. She goes to check on him and he's swishing the aboriginal baby
round the bath with a stick. You don't bath a baby like that she said, he said,
You do when the water's this hot!
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Husband says to his wife, do you fancy playing a rape game?
Wife says, NO. Husband replies, that's the spirit!
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There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
Try-cox-again.
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I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Aboriginals and Lebanese Rapists is not the correct answer.

You are a bad man!!!


<<< ****ed myself laughing though! >>>


Digger

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by digger

You are a bad man!!!


<<< ****ed myself laughing though! >>>


Digger

---

Geez, the post is still there after 5 hours :D:D:p

A Blonde at school

A girl came skipping home from school one day.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, it's because you're blonde," her mother replied.

The next day, the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, pumpkin, it's because you're blonde."

The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled,
"we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, it's because you're 25."

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike
English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each groupwas asked to give four reasons for itsrecommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the
feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1.. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for
it.


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they
ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a
little longer, you could have gotten a better model..

It was a draw.

Two Muslims Terrorists in a Toyota Tarago have driven off a cliff in Sydney. Police officers attending the scene said it was an appalling tragedy, as the vehicle was capable of seating seven.
--

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too. But, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last five years I've been a hooker." "I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house".