Jokes

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was..

Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.

He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked..

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mummy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stamped them flat...

'Well, we're not having any of that gay **** in our garden' she said.

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting
nowhere with her Stammerers Action Group. She
had tried every technique in the book without the
slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any
of you can tell me the name of the town where you
were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and
passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and
your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?"

The Englishman piped up.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist,

"Who's next?"


The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better.

There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.


How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually
blurted out

" London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and
immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the
couple paused for breath and Paddy said





"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

Housework was a woman's job, but one evening, Janice arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of laundry in the washer and another in the dryer Dinner was on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished!

It turns out that Chuck had read an article that said, 'Wives who work full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex'.

The night went very well. The next day, Janice told her Red Hat friends all about it. 'We had a great dinner. Chuck even cleaned up the kitchen. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put it away. I really enjoyed the evening.'

'But what about afterward?' asked her friends.

'Oh, that.......... Chuck was too tired.'

I put this in my THINGS IVE LEARNT thread on REMLR but wanted to share it here also..


Got my oldest son an iPhone for his birthday the other week and recently got my daughter an iPod for hers.

I was dead chuffed when the family clubbed together and bought me an iPad for Father’s day.

Got my wife an iRon for her birthday.


It was around then the fight started......

I learned that some people don't like technology!

cheers
digger

my wife tells me that she and her friends were having coffee and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

First friend said, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.”

Second responded, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

“Whoa,” Wife responded “I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”




:mad:

My wife just got a tatoo and its amazing. Its a big Conch shell and its inside her right thigh. It is so realistic that if you put your ear up to it you can smell the ocean.

:D

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old,

but they know they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married,

so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walks up to him and says,

"Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love

and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing,

Mr. Smith replies,

"Well Bruce, you are only 10..

Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,

Bruce replies,

"InJenny's room.

It's bigger than mine

and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable,

Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,

"Okay, then how will you live?

You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance,

Jenny makes five bucks a week

and I make 10 bucks a week.

That's about 60 bucks a month,

so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed

Bruce has put so much thought into this.

"Well Bruce,

it seems like you have everything figured out.

I just have one more question.

What will you do if the two of you should have

little children of your own?"

Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says,

"Well, we've been lucky so far."

Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little **** is adorable

Well, I lost the Trivia Contest at the Church association dinner last night by 1 point.

Not only got the last question wrong, but was immediately asked to leave.
The question was: "Where do women have the curliest hair?" Apparently the correct answer is Fiji.

The absolute best Little Johnnie joke

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little
Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnnie looked in the crib he said,
'What a beautiful baby.'

The mother said, 'Why,thank you,Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,
'coz he'd be ****ed if he needed glasses....'

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium." "Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine. Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?" "Absolutely not," he said. "How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not." "Season's more than half over," he said.