Jokes

An ergonomic Keyboard for Pirates


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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his
round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdy the second. On the third
hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone
rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon
as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up
to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes
before heading to the hospital.

He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a
personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating
his previous best game by more than 10.

He was jubilant, then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to
the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about about his
wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
round of golf didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your
wife has been languishing in the ICU! Its just as well you went ahead and
finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!
For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock' care.
And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than
two hours ago. What'd you shoot?

Same sort of joke but on a rugby theme:

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.
When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike
says, "Joe, we both loved rugby all our lives, and we played rugby on
Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get
to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's rugby there."
Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend
for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you."
Shortly after that, Joe passes on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep
by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,
"Mike--Mike."
"Who is it?" asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Mike--it's me, Joe."
"You're not Joe. Joe just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.
"Joe! Where are you?"
"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."
"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.
"The good news," Joe says," is that there's rugby in heaven. Better yet,
all of our old friends who died before us are here too. Better than that,
we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never
rains or snows. And best of all, we can play rugby all we want, and we
never get tired."
"That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"
"You're in the team for Tuesday."

An email I just recieved..........from management

Did the plumber give anyone any sort of brief cum update yesterday after he spent time banging away on the roof?

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

IF WOMEN CONTROLLED THE WORLD

the red cars, blue cars one is my favourite !

A female dwarf goes to a doctor complaining of an embarrassing itch in the groin area.


The doctor looks her up and down, picks her up and stands her on his desk.


He lifts up her skirt and puts his head under.


A little perplexed, she hears snip, snip, snip, snip.



The doctor emerges from under her skirt.


"How's that?"



"Well, it's a lot better actually, but...........it's still there."



Undaunted, he dives back under her skirt.


Snip, snip, snip, snip.


Out he comes.


"How's that?" he asks again more confident.

That's wonderful! What did you do?"



"I trimmed the top of your Ugg boots."

A young guy from Windale moves to Sydney and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The
Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says,"Yeah. I was a salesman back in Windale."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start
tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and See how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.

After the store was locked up the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says, "One".

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30
customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.65".

The boss says, "$101,237.65?" What the hell did you sell him?"
The kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing
He said down the coast.
So I told him he was going to need a boat.
So we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
20ft twin engine Pongrass.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it.
So I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4x4 Toyota."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold
him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said, "No the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife
and I said, 'Mate, your weekend's shot - you should go fishing.'

John Howard:lol2::banana: