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You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.
The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After
a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.
As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and
that's when you remember: you've been listening to your iPod.
Paddy Murphy went to the hospital as his wife was having a baby. Upon arriving, the Nurse says 'Congratulations, your wife has had quinns - 5 big baby boys.'
Paddy says, 'I'm not surprised, I have a Willie on me like a chimney.'
The nurse replies, 'You'll need to get it cleaned because the babies
are all black.'
Life on an Irish Farm
While passing by Mick's hay shed, Paddy he sees Mick doing a slow and VERY sensual striptease in front of the old red Massey Ferguson.
Buttocks tightly clenched, Mick performs a slow pirouette and then gently slides off first his right welly, slowly followed by the left.
He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .
Grabbing both sides of his worn check shirt he rapidly rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap in the air as he collapses, sprawls spread-eagled onto a pile of hay.
'What on earth are you doing Mick' says Paddy
'Jaysus Paddy, ye frightened the livin’ shoite out of me' says an obviously embarrassed Mick,
Truth is that me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist said that I should try doing something sexy to a tractor . "
Brilliant Spud :DQuote:
Originally Posted by spudfan
"tank ye very much ser"(to be read in a Co Cork accent)
I lost the pub trivia last night by a single point.
The last question was "Where do most women have curly hair?"
Apparently the correct answer is "In Africa" .......
A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO Chicago WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".
from my "Things I've learnt.." thread
I read where, after having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Melbourne scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Victorians, in the weeks that followed, a Sydney archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sydney Morning Herald read: "New South Wales archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 30 years earlier than the Victorians".
One week later, I feel I, in Adelaide, South Australia, must report the following and so have released this press statement today: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in a pasture near Gawler, South Australia, Digger, (a self-taught archaeologist), reported that he found absolutely **** all. Digger has therefore concluded that 150 years ago, South Australia had already gone wireless."
I learnt that it just makes you bloody proud to be a South Aussie!
Two ladies had street stalls beside each other. One of them sold fruit and the other sold flowers. It was a rainy,cold, gloomy day so business was very slow. The lady with the fruit stall picked up a carrot and said to the lady at the next stall-
"This carrot reminds me of my husbands manhood"-.
"Why" asked the lady with the flower stall.
"Guess" said the lady holding the carrot.
"Well is it the length of it?" asked the lady with the flower stall.
"No, guess again" came the reply.
"Well is it the shape of it?" the lady with the flower stall asked.
"No.Guess again"
"Well is it the width of it?" she asked.
"No but try again."
"Is it the colour of it?" she asked.
"NO"
"O.K.I give up, why is it like your husbands manhood". said the flower lady.
"It's the dirt of it" came the reply.
[bigrolf]:clap2:Quote:
Originally Posted by digger
guy hay bails himself