Jokes

· At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tas), Tooheys (NSW), XXXX (Qld), CUB (Vic) and Coopers (SA) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch.
When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New.”
To which the boss of Coopers rejoined, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers."
And the bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet."
The head of XXXX smiled and said “I’ll have the best, XXXX.
The General Manager of Carlton & United paused a moment and then said “I’ll have a diet coke”
The others looked at him has if he had sprouted a new head
"Well," he said with a shrug, "If you blokes aren't drinking beer, then neither will I."

A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent to tell them a story with a morale at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have alot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
'That was a fine story Sarah.'

Michael, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Karen. Aunty Karen was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.
And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'




'Stay away from Aunty Karen when she's been drinking.'

Little girl goes into Toys R Us and asks for the Barbie that comes with GI Joe.

"I'm sorry little girl" says the salesman, "but Barbie comes with Ken. not GI Joe."

"No," says the little girl, "Barbie fakes it with Ken, she comes with GI Joe."

A housing estate in Mt Druitt was evacuated today after discovery of a suspicious object.
Close examination by security forces revealed it was a ...........................














PAYSLIP. https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...010/11/809.jpg

Defence lawyer-"Please state your age"
Old lady-"I'm 94 years old"
Defence lawyer-"Will you tell the court in your own words what happened on the evening of April 1st."
Old lady-"I was having a nap in the sun when this young man crept up and sat beside me"
Defence lawyer-"Did you know him?"
Old lady-"No, but he was very friendly"
Defence lawyer-"What happened next?"
Old lady-"He started rubbing my thigh"
Defence lawyer-"Did you try to stop him?"
Old lady-"No, I was enjoying it"
Defence lawyer-"What happened next?"
Old lady-"I lay on the porch and said Take me now! but he just said April Fool! and tried to run off. And thats when I shot the little mongrel!"

INTERNATIONAL TERRORIST THREAT LEVEL RESPONSES

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from 'Miffed' to 'Peeved'. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to 'Irritated' or even 'A Bit Cross'. The English have not been 'A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940, when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from 'Tiresome' to 'A Bloody Nuisance'. The last time the British issued a 'Bloody Nuisance' warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from '****ed Off' to 'Let's get the Bastards'. They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.


The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from 'Run' to 'Hide'. The only two higher levels in France are 'Collaborate' and 'Surrender'. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.


Italy has increased the alert level from 'Shout Loudly and Excitedly' to 'Elaborate Military Posturing'. Two more levels remain: 'Ineffective Combat Operations' and 'Change Sides'.


The Germans have increased their alert state from 'Disdainful Arrogance' to 'Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs'. They also have two higher levels: 'Invade a Neighbor' and 'Lose'.


Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual. The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.


The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.


Americans meanwhile, and as usual, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies 'just in case'.


Canada doesn't have any alert levels.


New Zealand has raised its security levels - from 'baaa' to 'BAAAA'. Due to continuing defense cutbacks, New Zealand has only one more level of escalation, which is 'I hope Australia will come and rescue us'.


Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from 'No worries' to 'She'll be right, mate'. Three more escalation levels remain 'Crikey!', 'I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend' and 'The barbie is cancelled'. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation levels.

A Catholic priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese business man and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes"

The Indian doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf"

The Chinese business man called out, "Move it, Time is money"

The Catholic priest said "Here comes George the greens keeper. Lets have a word with him.. " Hello, George what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they"

George the greens keeper replied, "Of yes that's a group of blind firemen They lost their sight in an explosion while saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime".

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, "That's so sad I think I'll say a special prayer for them tonight".

The Indian Doctor said "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The Chinese Business man replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the Fire Brigade in honour of these brave souls"!.

The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Andrew my "friend" and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires..

So Andrew called him a **** head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the reception, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom, 'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'Impossible!' said the groom broom.

'We haven’t even swept together!'

The other day I needed to go to the public hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours, I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket.
.
When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time.
Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

http://www.ozbadge.com/sitebuilderco...g.w300h384.jpg

It also works at Centrelink. It saved me 2 hours.

At the Laundry, three minutes after entering, I had my choice of any machine, most still running.

Don't try it at McDonald's though.....
The whole staff disappeared and l never got my order !!!!!...