Jokes

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice
of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this
Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something -- "a bowl of
soup?
homemade muffins? a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for
food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like
a
juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie
chicken or tasty stir fry?"

Again, he declines: "No, it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not
hungry."

Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

Murphy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
> furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could
> find.
>
> After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a
> line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new
> acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As
> he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded,
> and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.
>
> Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked
> him something in French (which Murphy couldn't understand); so he motioned
> to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in
> English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of
> trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a
> wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine
> for her.
>
> After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and
> drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the
> bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic
> music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew
> a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance They
> danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
>
> Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a
> four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was
> in the furniture business.

After both suffering depression for a while,

me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough,

once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better,

so I thought **** it, I'll soldier on...!

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy’. Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then’. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,

'Shoite,

Shoite!'

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.

'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'.. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says 'Fock it' and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?'

Paddy says, 'I did, Jess I was fockin' ****ed. But how'd you know?'

'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.'

Re the joke :Murphy in Paris on page 318 I showed someone Irish this and they told a story of a real Irish poly in Paris:

A true story about Mark Killilea, a rather uncultured politician from rural Ireland who got elected to the European parliament in the 1980's. When he first arrived in Brussels he found himself in a restaurant one night where a French MEP, whom he recognised but did not know, was seated at a neighbouring table. The French MEP clearly recognised Killilea too because he raised his glass and wished him 'Bon Appetit'. Markeen duly raised his glass and responded 'Mark Killilea'.

Australian 4WD Action | Forum - View topic - Land Rover jokes

prity funny thread i thort hahaha

Quote:

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Originally Posted by stig0000

Australian 4WD Action | Forum - View topic - Land Rover jokes

prity funny thread i thort hahaha

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What's funnier is that it was posted on the previous page :D

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs.

So they dont get confused for feminists.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Blknight.aus

Why do sumo wrestlers shave their legs.

So they dont get confused for feminists.

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Or Greens representatives.

These fit so well they should be in a dictionary.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

RAISIN:
Grape with sunburn.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
***************