Jokes

The lesbians next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday. Very nice, but i think they misunderstood when i said i wanna watch.

I couldn't find the thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it. Apparently she left me yesterday .......................

A plane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.

The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the aircraft.

The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the aircraft.

The third passenger, Bob Brown, said, "I'm the leader of the Australian Greens and the nation needs my guidance and my boyfriend would miss me." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped

The fourth passenger, ex-PM John Howard, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. Howard. There's a parachute left for you. Australia’s smartest woman took my schoolbag.”

After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his knob, so he goes to the doctor.
“That’s serious” says the doctor. “You know how some rugby players get cauliflower ears?”
“Yes” says the man seriously.
“Well” says the doctor “You’ve got brothel sprouts.”

The young college physician was bewildered by the procession of unhappy young women regularly visiting his campus clinic for pregnancy tests.

"There seems to be something in the air this time of year that causes young girls to get pregnant," he commented to an older colleague.

"What is it, I wonder?"

"Their legs," replied his friend.

Julia Gillard visits a primary school one day, and the teacher invites her to teach the class about "tragedy".

She asks, "Children, can anyone tell me about a tragedy?"

Little Jenny puts up her hand and says, "My friend Peter lives on a farm. If his daddy ran over him with the combine harvester, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Julia. "That would be a sad thing."

Little Freddie puts up his hand and says, "If a school bus with 50 children in it drives over a cliff and they were all killed, that would be a tragedy."

"No", says Julia. "That would be an accident."

Little Johnny puts up his hand and says, "If you and Mr Swan and Mr Garret and Ms Wong were in an airplane, and it was shot down by a friendly fire missile, that would be a tragedy."

"Yes, well done", says Julia. "And why is that a tragedy?"

Little Johnny says, "Because it wouldn't be a sad thing, and it probably wasn't a ****ing accident either."

....The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner...

Talk about Dyson with death...

I love toI love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

What do you call a nun in a wheel Chair?

Virgin Mobile!!

Mick, from Dublin, appeared on 'Who Wants to Be a Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

..."You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick, ‘‘so I'll use last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.

"****** hell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's simple......It's a cuckoo."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm ****** sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is, Sir"

There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"

"Because he lives in a ****** clock!"