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Maria goes to the doctor and says "Doctor my husband of 48 years Guido he die yesterday and I no cana liva without him. I gotta pistola witha one bullets and I want to shoot myself and joina Guido. Where isa the besta place to shoota myself".
The doctor says, "We really shouldn't give that kind of information but if you really want to join Guido shoot yourself just below the left breast".
So Maria went home and blew her kneecap off
Three dead dudes arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter asks the first "what vehicle did you drive before you died"?
"A Jeep Cherokee", replies dead dude one. "OK, it's the down escalator for you then, mate!" says St Pete, "You're for the hot house, you gas-guzzling, planet wrecking 4x4 driver"!
St Pete asks the second guy the same question. "A Toyota Prius" says dead dude two. "Down escalator for you too, sonny" says St P. "No room for sanctimonious, hemp-underwear-wearing, proselytising loonies here"!
St P asks the third dead guy the same question. "Landrover Defender" he replies.
St Peter scratches his beard and thinks for a moment. "Come on in, son" he says, "You've suffered more than enough already"!
Have a good chuckle.
https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...1add&zw&atsh=1https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...1add&zw&atsh=1https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui...1add&zw&atsh=1
A Traffic Cop stops a Harley for traveling faster than the legal
speed limit and he asks the biker his name and licence.
"Fred" he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred" the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the
biker a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name to record on the warning.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.
"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'"
The biker replies: "It's a long story, so stay with me.'
was born Fred Dingaling. I know - a funny last name.
The kids used to tease me all the time, so I stayed by myself,
studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realised that I wanted to be a doctor.
I went through college, medical school, internship, residency
and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.
After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school.
Dentistry became my dream!
Got all the way through Dental school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she
gave me VD, so now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD.
Well, the ADA (Aust Dental Assoc) found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, with VD.
Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my MD because of the VD,
so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.
Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
Third Reich engineer: "Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."
Hitler: "Mine less then"
Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."
Hitler looks over: "Yes?"
> A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
> "How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
> "Ten?" says the welfare worker.
> "What are their names?"
> "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
> "Doesn't that get confusing?"
> "Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
> "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
> "That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
> A. Granny.
>
> Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
> A. The bride.
>
> Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
> A. The policeman..
>
> Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
> A. Father's day
>
> Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
> A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
> She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
> Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
> The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
> 'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
> The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?'
> 'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
> The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Chelsea fan?'
> 'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a Chelsea fan too!'
> 'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Chelsea fan.
You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict,
what would you be then?'
> 'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be either a Liverpool or a Leeds fan.
Dunno what all this fuss is about people wearing a burqa into Parliament House or anywhere else ................... it's been an Australian fashion accessory since before most of us were born. :confused:
A bloke named Kelly used to wear a tin one back in the day ................ :p
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/images/im...014/11/966.jpg :wasntme:
Yes but remember how he finished :DQuote:
Originally Posted by BMKal
I do not think that any suggestion to applying the same treatment now will be very popular :angel:
A FARMER DECIDEDHE WANTED TO GO TO TOWNAND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED,"SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID,
"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT
"WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATRE."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNERAND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATRE.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TOTWO OLD WIDOWSNAMED ETHEL & MILDRED.
THE MOVIE STARTEDAND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. .. ..THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SOCHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUTAND WATCH THE MOVIE.
"ETHEL", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID ETHEL.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO MEIS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED ETHEL?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS ANDHE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID ETHEL.."AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,BUT THIS ONE IS"
EATIN' MY POPCORN.