Jokes

Mick was raised in the country, and loved nothing better than going along to country shows and fairs and field days and looking at tractors. Shiny new tractors, lovingly-restored old tractors, big serious tractors, little toy tractors.

But best of all he loved seeing them in action, and his favourite tractor action was the tractor pull. He would always get as close as he could, way closer than he was supposed to, and was constantly getting chased back to a safe distance by organisers worried about their public liability insurance premiums.

One day, he hit on the bright idea of stealing an officials vest, and was able to get as close as he liked. Unfortunately that was the day a chain snapped, and as it whipped free Mick copped it right in the chest. Five broken ribs and a painful convalescence later, Mick moved to the big city, vowing never to so much as look at a tractor again.

In the city he had to learn new ways, like going to a disco to meet girls. He found them rather noisy and claustrophic, but there were girls there, so he went.

One night at the disco he was getting on well with a particularly charming young lass when a fire broke out. The place was jam-packed, so it was hard to move, and the smoke was thick, so it was impossible to see where the exit was. The crowd was in a panic, and his companion was hysterical "We're all going to die!" she wailed, over and over.

Mick began to draw his breath in, and smoke swirled into his lungs. He sucked harder, throwing back his arms and pursing his lips. Smoke was pouring into his mouth now, and some of the people closer to the exit could now see the exit sign glowing eerily green through the thinning smoke. Still Mick sucked, and the crowd began finding their way out, clambering through the now rapidly-clearing smoke toward the exit. Three minutes had passed, and still Mick was drawing in the smoke, as the last person staggered out into the clear air and safety.

Finally, Mick stopped sucking, and ran out himself, before letting out a huge rush of smoke to the night sky as the firefighters, who had now arrived, ran in with hoses to put out the fire.

"That was incredible!" his lady friend enthused, as people gathered to clap Mick on the back and thank him for saving their lives, "How on earth did you manage to do that?!"

"Aw, it was nothing", mumbled Mick, feeling a bit uncomfortable with all the attention, "I'm an ex-tractor fan"

BOOM-TISH!

I thought twice about putting this here, but it is well done, and worth a look, Bob [ No offence meant,]




Gonorrhea Lectim - New Deadly Disease

One should be thinking about this seriously. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of this old disease.

The disease is called "Gonorrhea Lectim". It's pronounced “Gonna re-elect em" and it is a terrible and deadly ailment.
The disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk Behaviour involving putting your cranium up your rectum.

Many victims contracted it in 2007. But now most people, after having been infected for the past few years, are starting to realize how destructive this
sickness is. It's sad because Gonorrhea Lectim is easily cured with a new drug just coming on the market called Votemout.

Most people in Queensland took the first dose a couple of months ago but the second dose is due late next year

This sounds rather too much like the truth to me.



>
> > . >
>
> >
> >
> > YOU KNOW YOU HAVE WORKED IN CAMPBELL NEWMAN'S PUBLIC SERVICE WHEN....
> >
> >
> >
> > you have done the same job at the same desk in
> > the same building for eleven years and the Department
> has had four different names
> >
> > the sign on the front doors is attached with
> > Velcro
> >
> > your CV is on a CD in your briefcase
> >
> > you get excited about a 1.7% pay rise
> >
> > you learn about your redundancy on the ABC News
> >
> > your greatest inconvenience from a system crash
> > is losing your best jokes
> >
> > your supervisor does not have the ability to do
> > your job
> >
> > contractors and temps. and "higher duties" staff
> > outnumber permanent & substantive staff and are
> more likely to achieve long service leave
> >
> > you see a good looking smart person and know it
> > is a visitor
> >
> > interviewees, without knowledge or experience of
> > the job, terminate the interview when told the
> > starting salary
> >
> > you go to and from work in the dark, even in
> > summer
> >
> > you know exactly how many days you have left to
> > retirement
> >
> > you are so fed up with the job, you would love to
> > get a redundancy package, but packages seem
> > restricted to management's pets, relatives, concubines,
> > notorious brown-nosers, and person's who are so
> > incompetent even your management noticed
> >
> > the due date on the assignment you just got is
> > yesterday
> >
> > there are almost no white male breadwinners left
> > in your workplace, the staff now seeming to compose
> > "quota minorities" and middle-aged married
> > women working for luxuries like second & third
> investment properties, beach houses,overseas trips, and
> > expensive motor-cars
> >
> > you apply for a vacancy with promotion, and find
> > the selection committees always are composed of a
> > third world immigrant, a lesbian, a handicapped
> > person, & a rabid feminist social worker, none of
> > whom know anything about the job in question
> >
> > work experience, "workers for the dole", & youth
> > trainees get brand new state of the art laptops
> > while operational staff have time for a crossword whilst
> > their aeons old terminals boot up
> >
> > there is no money in the budget for sufficient
> > operational staff needed to meet service requirements &
> > legislative responsibilities, but a seemingly
> > unlimited amount for outside "consultants" to
> advise senior management on "strategy" and "policy"
> >
> > every week another collection envelope come
> > around for someone who is leaving, and you didn't even
> know they had started
> >
> > you start to wonder who will be left when your
> > envelope goes around
> >
> > holidays are something you roll over for another
> > year
> >
> > your supervisors were promoted because of their
> > incompetence, to limit the damage they were doing
> > when they were operational staff
>
> Competent, efficient, knowledgeable, and highly
> experienced staff are denied promotion year after
> year, while early twenties newbys with irrelevant
> degrees in useless studies (bachelor of
> unemployment) from second & third rate universities
> are "fast tracked" because they have "tertiary
> qualifications".
>
> There is not one person at management level in
> your department who is capable of getting or keeping
> a job at similar level in the private sector.
> >
> >
> > This was originally titled as John Howard's Public Service sent to me some little while ago
> > by a friend who works in Immigration Dept. in
> > Canberra. He says it was in wide circulation in the
> APS down there, and many disgruntled & cynical people
> think it rather closer to the truth than to humour.
> >
> >
> > I decided to update in view of the ructions created in the Qld. Public Service by Un-done Newman and his LNP controllers.
> >
> >
> >
> >

The Reverend John Fluff was the pastor in a small town in Scotland. One
day he was walking down the high street when he noticed a young lady of his
congregation sitting in a pub drinking beer.

The Reverend wasn't happy. He walked through the open door of the pub &
sat down next to the woman.

"Miss MacDonald," he said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my
congregation. Why don't you let me take you home."

"Sure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.

When Miss MacDonald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back &
forth. The Reverend realized that she'd had far too much to drink & grabbed her
arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance & tumbled to the
floor. After rolling around for a few moments, the Reverend wound up on top of
Miss MacDonald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.

The pub landlord looked over & said, "Oy mate, we won't have any of that
carrying on in this pub."

The Reverend looked up at the landlord & said, "But you don't
understand, I'm Pastor Fluff."

The landlord nodded & said, "Ah well, if you're that far in, ye might as
well finish."

:D

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me an! d said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,
(you are going to love this)





"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Argon walks into a bar for a drink.

Barman says "OI! We don't serve Nobel Gases here!!!"

Argon doesn't react...

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right--only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify:" I put 'DOCTOR.'

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You need a parachute only to skydive twice.
14. To be certain of hitting a target, shoot first, then call whatever you hit "the target."

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

The Royal Navy.

"The recruiting officer promised me I would see the world and there would be wine, women, and song. What I got was rum, sodomy, and the lash. I saw the sea."

Look at this one. V. Funny.

Bird & Fortune The Admirals Interview

Elton John and his partner David Furnish had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

After the baby was born, Elton and David were ushered into the maternity ward.

A dozen babies were lying in their cribs. Eleven of them were crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying quietly, smiling.

A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

"Isn't it wonderful?", Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his arse...."

:lol2:

When I was young I wanted to be a Fortune Teller but as I got older I couldn't see any future in it!