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Prince Charles arrives for an official visit to Alice Springs - the temperature is 50 in the shade. Charles is dressed in a light cotton safari suit and sandals but strangely on his head is fox fur hat. The mayor of Alice Springs can't help but notice the royal noggin sweating rather profusely and, as they're sitting there reviewing the parade specially put on for Charles, he leans over and whispers, "er, beggin' your pardon Your Royal Highness, but why are you wearing that hat on such a hot day?" "Oh this?" says the prince, "Well you see, when I told mother I was coming out to Australia, she asked me what my first port of call was. When I told her Alice Springs, I thought she said. " Where the fox hat!!!"
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States ,
wandering aimlessly and starving.
They are about to just lie down and wait for death,
when all of a sudden Luis says:
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell? Ees bacon, I theenk."
"Is, Luis, eet sure smell like bacon."
With renewed hope, they struggle up the next sand dune, & there,
in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon,
every imaginable kind of cured pork.
"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Ees a bacon tree!"
"Luis, maybe ees a meerage?
We ees in the desert don't forget."
"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon?
Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree!"
With that, Luis staggers towards the tree.
He gets to within 5 yards, Pepe crawling close behind,
when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock.
Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath:
"Pepe, go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"
"Luis, Luis mi amigo, what ees it?"
"Pepe ees not a bacon tree. Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees...
Ees... a ham bush."
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While visiting the United Kingdom , Winnie Mandela was invited to a cocktail party which
was also to be attended by Margaret Thatcher.
When Winnie saw the ex-prime minister on the other side of the room, she barged past
everyone, spilling the drinks of several invited guests on the way. Winnie elbowed her way to
Maggie, stood brazenly in front of her and declared, "I hear they call you the Iron Lady!"
"I have been referred to by that name, yes," replied Maggie, peering down her nose at this
impudent upstart, "And whom, may I enquire, do I have the honour of addressing?" asked
Maggie icily.
"I am the iron lady of South Africa!" bragged Winnie, waving her fist in the air.
"Oh, yes," replied Maggie dryly. "And for whom do you iron?"
-
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Paddy and Sean are digging a ditch which just happens to be opposite a brothel. As they're digging, they notice the local protestant minister walk up to the door, look furtively around and enter. "would you look at that Sean", says Paddy " a shameful sight that is, a man of the cloth visiting such a godforsaken , unholy place....it's bloody shameful, it is"......All of a sudden a rabbi fronts up, takes a look around and enters the bordello...." I don't believe my eyes ", says Sean, " No wonder the youth of today are so confused when these men of god are setting such a bad example, its a dam disgrace it is". Next to enter the whorehouse is a catholic priest. " Ahhh...the pity of it all", says Paddy to Sean, " one of the poor girls must be dyin'".
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A hungry bloke walks into a seedy Glasgow cafe. He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli.
After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks "If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says "Nah, ye can go ahead".
Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chilli. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli back into the bowl.
The old Jock says "Aye, that's as far as I got too".
-
night golfing
Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."
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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."
"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"
"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."
"What about that eye patch?"
"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird crap."
"It was my first day with the hook."
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Driving to work, a man had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of an upholstery truck in front of him.
Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.
Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.
The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first officer told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."
Amazed, the driver asked for what.
The officer replied, "Tacks evasion."
(yeah sorry!)
-
Well I was out shooting in the local forest one Easter Sunday, hunting some rabbits. I'd caught a few, and was in the middle of skinning and gutting them when I looked up and saw the local old priest in the distance, heading in my direction, clearly out and walking off his Sunday lunch.
Now this old bugger is a real fire and brimstone kind of priest, so I decided to hide in the bushes until he'd passed, rather than risk a confrontation with the crotchety old sod.
However, as he drew level with where I was hiding, he was obviously a bit caught short. He lifted his cassock, reversed himself into the bush, and started curling one down.
"Revenge time" I thought, "for all those sermons telling us hell and eternal damnation are upon us". So I reached across quietly and placed a handful of the rabbits' innards on top of the little pile he'd made. A second or two later he looked down, then jumped up and stood and screamed and screamed and screamed.
I made my escape quietly, and headed straight for the pub.
"A beer for me", I said to the publican "and a very large rum for the priest"
"You've got to be kidding me" he said, "I've owned this place for 20 years and not once has the old bugger set foot through those doors"
"Oh, he'll be here soon", I said.
Two minutes later the doors were flung open, and the priest came running in, looking very white in the face, headed straight for the bar and downed the rum in half a second, and ordered more,
"What's wrong Father, you don't look very well" said the publican
"Oooooh, I'm a really ill man", said the priest. "I was out walking my Sunday lunch off, when I got caught shortand had to go and let my lunch out in the bushes. And when I looked down all my guts had fallen out".
He paused to knock back another rum.
"Luckily", he said "I had my walking stick with me, I think I managed to get them all back in!"
