Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal
immigrants come to Britain so that they can see
their own doctor.

Not in the south west of Sydney

Some repeats amongst these....

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. Yelled...
"Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death
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SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore ….. A friend of mine
Was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
================================================== ==
New Book
A man goes into Chapters and asks the young lady assistant, "Do you have
The new book out for men with short penises?"
She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."
"That's the one; I'll take a copy…"
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Poor Lance Armstrong -
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated
Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7
Tour de France races, while on drugs.
When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my frig’n bike.
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Drive By
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn’t take my TV, just the
Remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick Bastard!!
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The Agony of Aging

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my
Aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.

I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to
Turn your clock back".
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SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite
18 Holes". Turns out it's about golf.
Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen
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So True
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you only dress yourself.
The Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you've been f@#ked.
================================================== ======
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
"For f.... Sakes , if you ate a tin of beans would you know which one
Made you fart?"
================================================== ========
Sex Research (could be handy)
If sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome,
Now I understand why they call you handsome!
================================================== ============
EASYJET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane. "

Kenley

Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal
immigrants come to Britain so that they can see
their own doctor.

I wish this was the case. Around my area they come from India and Asia to see their own doctor.

If you have heard of Varg's exploits this'll get you grinning
Varg Vikernes Arrested In France On Suspicion Of Flushing Oranges Down Toilet | The Tyranny of Tradition

(Varg Vikernes was gaoled for burning down churches and murdering his band mate Euronymous, and for making terrible music)

On a beautiful desolate island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:



2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman

2 French men and 1 French woman

2 German men and 1 German woman

2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman

2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman

2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman

2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman

2 American men and 1 American woman

2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

2 English men and 1 English woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man, for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage-au-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have thrown a bottle with a message to Tokyo, asking for instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.

The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman

Paddy was a youthful and hard working Irishman at a Coastal village in Ireland ..

Daily he would pole a heavy old punt out to sea then work a heavy iron grapple to bring up the sand oysters which he sold to the local ice works. He was a man of regular habits he always arrived home each day at a certain time.




Sadly, Paddy did not realise the heavy grappling was taking a toll on a faulty heart.







One day he failed to come home so his wife contacted the Police to investigate .







They rowed out and found Paddy dead in the punt, beside him a huge grapple full of oysters he'd tried to hoist aboard.







Headlines next day in the 'Irish Times Newspaper' Said.........................................




Wait for it!












Wait for it!








Wait for it!












OYSTERS KILPATRICK !!!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York :
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.

=============================

In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up
and no place to go.

=============================

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in
East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102.
Only the good die young.

=============================

In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

===============================

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon him for not rising.

==============================

In a Silver City , Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

================================

A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.

=================================

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls,
Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

==================================

In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I.
As I am now, so shall you be,
Remember this and follow me.

To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,
Until I know which way you went.

Patient says to doctor " Please kiss me".
Dr: Sorry no, that would be unethical
Patient: Please Dr. I feel so insecure
Dr: As much as I would like to help you out, I could be struck off the medical roll
Patient: Please Dr., No one would ever know and it would do wonders for my self esteem.
Dr: Sorry, but it really is against the hippocratic oath that I took, in fact I shouldn't even be having sex with you.